This Blog Be Goin' Ham, Shorty Upgrade From Bologna

Greetings to the Fourth & Schlong faithful.  Many things have happened since the last time we saw each other:  Four Loko got banned, Miami football won the MAC East, a friend's apartment burned down, Bros continued to wear Nantucket Lax Pinnies, and the Bengals won a football game.  Just kidding, the Bengals haven't won a game in 10 weeks.

You know what else happened?  Erin Andrews got even sexier.  Daaaaaaamn.

Per usual, this Fourth & Schlong entry is an eclectic mix of sports, self-psychiatric evaluation, politics, and feeble attempts at comedy.  The main thread is right off the bat:  it's anti-BCS with TOSU acting as the case study as to why the BCS needs to be a third-trimester abortion.  As a preemptive statement to TOSU die hards, this is not an anti-TOSU rant, it's anti-BCS, but being the TOSU fans that you are, you will not be able to realize this and demand my head on a platter for not bowing down to the TOSU-SuperFan-Act-Like-A-5-Year-Old-After-His-Toy-Just-Got-Taken-Away-Ego-Coaxing-Complex.  Afterward,  we explore the infinitely dynamic topics of radar guns, poop, Al-Queda, and homosexuality (also pronounced, faggotry).  Enjoy.

Old Guy in Bow Tie Goes Crazy

By now we've all heard that TOSU’s President, Mr. Gordon 'Reppin My Bow Tie on the Reg' Gee, ripped Boise and TCU for not being what TOSU is:  a mega-school with mega-bucks and mega-influence in the absurd tyranny that is the BCS.  

No this is not the bastard child of a Menage a Trois between Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, and Orville Redenbacher, it's TOSU President Gordon Gee.  This is what a BCS proponent looks like.

1.  Mr. Bow Tie described the opponents of TCU and Boise as "little sisters of the poor."  Let's dig a little deeper, shall we?

• Boise travels across the country for their first game of the season at a ‘neutral site’ stadium to play a top-10 team in Virginia Tech and wins.  TCU plays a PAC-10 team and two BIG-12 teams.  They bolster their out-of-conference Strength of Schedule (SOS) as best they can.  Why’s it so tough for those two schools to schedule quality opponents?  Surely it's not because the mega-bucks programs are afraid of getting beat by the 'little' guy.... 

In the mind of Mr. Bow Tie, this is what every opponent of TCU and Boise looks like.

• ..... Oops.  It turns out they are afraid.  Consider Boise State’s open offer to play as the visiting team against any mega-bucks school, at the mega-bucks school's home stadium, with no need for the mega-bucks school to play in Boise the following year.  Boise has formally asked for such a game against, among others:  Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama, and yes TOSU.  And wouldn’t ya know it, all those mega-bucks schools said ‘No’. 

Actual photo taken of Boise State Athletic Director attempting to schedule games with mega-bucks schools.

2.  Mr. Bow Tie compared TOSU's schedule to "murderer's row" suggesting that TOSU only plays quality opponents week in and week out.  Let's dig a little deeper shall we?

• Regarding TOSU going through murderer’s row:  TOSU played only one team all year that finished the season ranked in the BCS top-25.  That teams was Wisconsin and TOSU lost to them by 13.  Their murderous out-of-conference opponents included Marshall, Ohio, and Eastern Michigan.  And yes TOSU fans, I hear you screaming “but we played Miami (FL) and they were #12 at the time!”  Yeah, I realize that.  But Miami (FL) also finished the season at 7-5, unranked, and they just fired their head coach.  Just sayin.  Also, TOSU played 4 road games and 8 home games, how is that even possible? 

This must be what Mr. Bow Tie sees when TOSU squares off against top-tier programs such as Eastern Michigan.

3.  Mr. Bow Tie made certain to note that the most egregious part in giving Boise or TCU National Championship consideration is due to the massive discrepancy in SOS between the stumpy chode-flop programs (ie. Boise/TCU) and the girthy horse-cock programs (ie. TOSU).  Let's dig a little deeper shall we?

In the bizarre world of Mr. Bow Tie, this is the difference between TOSU's Strength of Schedule and Boise/TCU's Strength of Schedule.

• Of the top-15 BCS teams, TOSU has the 13^th worst rated SOS rated at #64.  The two teams behind them you may ask?  Wisconsin #71 and TCU #76.  Just for kicks, Boise is #62 and the other BIG-10 team, Michigan State, is #60.  And for those of you wondering, here’s the complete list of SOS’s for the schools ranked 1-15 in the BCS:  Auburn (24), Oregon 19, TCU (76), Stanford (8), Wisconsin (71), TOSU (64), Arkansas (17), Michigan State (60), Oklahoma (12), LSU (26), Boise (62), Missouri (23), Nebraska (44), Oklahoma State (35), and Virginia Tech (63).

On earth, where facts exist, the difference between TOSU's S.O.S. and Boise/TCU's:  -2 and 12 respectively. 

I Really Wish TOSU Went Undefeated This Year

I’m not lying, I really wish TOSU would have gone undefeated this year because of this very reason – they would not have made the National Championship game.  All hell would break loose as the denizens of Columbus screamed bloody murder as they sat in the #3 spot staring up at Auburn and Oregon. 

Exhibit A as to why TOSU would not make the National Championship game even if they were undefeated this year.  This is how many points TOSU has given up in its last two National Championship games.  These games consisted of TOSU showing up and then getting ass-plowed by far superior SEC teams.

Each year I hope the greatest number of teams statistically possible goes undefeated because the BCS will never change unless there is a steady stream of schools finishing undefeated and subsequently getting sodomized by the BCS cartel.  What better catalyst for change than to have TOSU, previously the quintessential BCS proponent, become the ultimate BCS pariah.  

Remember back in 2004 when Auburn went undefeated, but still got boxed out from the National Championship game?  You probably don't because even after Auburn got the BCS shaft, the world carried on.

After getting screwed out of the National Championship game, Auburn fans were upset, but life carried on.

Now try to imagine a world where in 2004, instead of Auburn going undefeated and getting screwed out of an opportunity for a national championship, TOSU was the team that went undefeated and got screwed out of an opportunity for a national championship.

After getting screwed out of the National Championship game, TOSU fans ushered in 1,000 years of darkness via nuclear warfare.  Reason being?  If TOSU can't win a National Championship, then nobody can.

Random Things I Want Studies Done For

It’s no secret that the mind of Fourth & Schlong is erratic, wandering, and by and large, deranged.  The following things are repeat offenders in terms of making Fourth & Schlong think “there needs to be a study done for that.  I'd love to know what the results were.”

Thing I Want a Study Done For #1

• You’re driving down the highway and there is a bro-hater in the median (aka a cop) doing the radar gun on each passerby.  Per usual, everyone slows down as they approach the cop then speed up once the pass the cop.  My question:  how long does the average person look in the rear-view mirror after passing the cop to make sure that cop isn’t pulling out to flag them down for speeding?

You just drove by this guy.  You were going 72 in a 65.  How long do you look in your rear-view mirror saying to yourself "shit is he coming out for me?  shit is he coming out for me?"

Thing I Want a Study Done For #2

• Taking a shit is one of the most euphoric, everyday activities that man completes.  There’s nothing better than replicating Hiroshima in the toilet bowl via your asshole.  Monster shits build self-esteem and provide great storytelling opportunities for when you’re with your bros; even better if you have a picture to share.  My question:  how much shit, in terms of pounds, does the average person produce in a lifetime?

If you're looking at the above pictured turd and thinking to yourself "I could take a much greater shit than what is pictured" -- then you are a bona fide Fourth & Schlong patron.

Thing I Want a Study Done For #3

This next one is the one that I'm convinced there is some crazy sub-conscious connection going on between people, yet nobody ever really realizes it -- except for me.  Which either proves that I'm crazy, a genius, or a crazy genius.  Most likely, the result is I am insane, but hey, at least it's a smooth transition into senility when I get older.  Right?

Hopefully for the sake of Fourth & Schlong, he never gets this crazy.

Here is the scenario.  You and a friend are listening to the same song together.  Once the song is over, you and your friend start to sing parts of the song on your own.  After a few minutes of you and your friendly randomly singing the song you had just heard, the enthusiasm dies off and you each stop singing.  For the next few minutes it is either silence or conversation that has nothing to do with the song you were just singing.  Then it happens.

It's Drizzayyyyyyyyyyyyy

Just as I'm about to start singing the song again, the friend starts singing the same exact song, at the same exact spot in the song, at almost the exact same time I was going to start singing.  It then freaks me out because we were milliseconds away from simultaneously breaking into song without any way of planning it.

Does this happen to anyone else?  If not, I'll be expecting a few of you to be showing up at my apartment in the very near future for an "intervention" subsequently followed by me getting committed to a psychiatric ward.

At least Fourth & Schlong doesn't have to worry about buying any new clothes in the near future.

From the You've Gotta Be Shitting Me Department

ShittsBurgh

It's no secret that James Harrison of the Shittsburgh Steelers loves to hit people, particularly when he can hit them in their heads with the hope of decapitating the opposing player.  He's been fined a total of $125,000 this season as a result of those hits.  So what how does his head coach Mike Tomlin come to his defense?  By reminding the NFL that it should be about the kids and not about the career/life threatening hits that Harrison delivers.  Here's what Tomlin said in response the fines Harrison has faced:  

"We talk about the money like it's Monopoly money sometimes just because these guys happen to be professional athletes. I don't care how much money you make.... He's got two kids. That's some serious college schooling right there potentially for those kids 16, 18 years from now."

Pictured above is the beautiful lobby of the Farmer School of Business at my beloved alma mater, Miami University.  According to Mike Tomlin, it will cost Mr. Harrison $4 billion dollars to send his children here, or any other college for that matter, in 16 to 18 years.

Yikes!  Just imagine the plight the Harrison family would have to endure if they had 3 kids!  Harrison is scheduled to make over $3.5 million this season and signed a 6-year contract this past April worth over $51.1 million, with over $30 million of that deal as guaranteed money.

If Harrison can't find somewhere in that guaranteed $30 million of his to put aside for his kids' education then it's his fault.  And as someone who paid their own way through college and has the joyous duty of making student loan payments each month for the next 100 years of his life -- go fuck yourself Mike Tomlin.  You've gotta be shitting me.

This is what Fourth & Schlong looks like each time he has to pay his monthly student loan bill.

Al-Queda Wins World Cup Bid

FIFA announced the hosts of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups this morning.  No I didn't know they were announcing them either because it's my patriotic duty as an American to 1. Not give a shit about soccer 2.  Refer back to number 1.  As Fourth & Schlong has previously documented, soccer is a pussified, bitch game reserved only for the whiniest, puma wearing douches and it serves no utility in this universe of ours.  The only exception to this is when soccer is played by girls, then it's acceptable.

Here's a picture of U.S.A.'s starting line-up for the last World Cup.  Quick, name someone on the team besides Landon Donovan (assuming you could even name him).  Exactly, you can't.  Because soccer fucking sucks and nobody gives a shit.

HOWEVER... It was brought to my attention that America lost the bid for the 2022 World Cup to... QATAR.  That's right, Qatar.  America was defeated by Qatar.  The same Qatar that sits smack dab in the Middle East and recently defended the right of Iran to pursue nuclear technology because it was strictly for "energy purposes."  Thanks for bringing additional shame to our country soccer.

Go ahead and try to find Qatar, the country that America couldn't win a bidding war against.

So have fun with your 2022 World Cup FIFA.  I'm sure hundreds of thousands of fans will be flocking to the Middle East where they can either:  1. Get blown up by Al-Queda 2. Melt in the 130 degree summer heat and get blown up by Al-Queda  3. Survive long enough to make it into the stadium to cheer for their team and then get blown up by Al-Queda.  You've gotta be shitting me.

Artist's render of what Qatar looks like on a daily basis.

Continued Nonsense With "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy

This continues to baffle me:  how in the world does being openly gay impact your ability to be a soldier?  Right now, there are hundreds, if not thousands of gays serving in the military, but nobody knows for sure because they aren't allowed to disclose that information.  Are we to assume that all of the gay members of today's military are consequently the worst soldiers due to their gayness?  No, we cannot assume that.  If you do assume that, consider yourself a fucking idiot.

If the medic were gay and the wounded soldier straight, would the wounded guy refuse treatment?  No, because they both respect each other for having the guts to put their lives on the line for one another.

The Pentagon just released a report that was a year in the making.  The topic of the report?  Evaluating the impact of openly gay soldiers serving in the military.  Here is an excerpt:

"transformational experiences in history is that in matters of personnel change within the military, predictions and surveys tend to overestimate negative consequences, and underestimate the U.S. military's ability to adapt and incorporate within its ranks the diversity that is reflective of American society at large."

Americans overreacting to changes in the social-norm safety net?  Never!  Oops, I mean, Always!  You've gotta be shitting me.

It's doubtful that people you'd associate with the above picture would agree with what Fourth & Schlong just wrote.

Shout Out to My Comedy Idol

My all-time favorite comedian, Leslie Nielsen, passed away this week.  Among his many roles he played the main character, Lt. Frank Drebin, in my all-time favorite series of movies The Naked Gun.  Today I'll leave you with one of my favorite scenes from the Naked Gun.  Enjoy.