I Bet You Squirt

First off, I'd like to thank Professor Crum for his contribution "2022 - Year of the Infidel;" a well-written piece that continues to raise Qatar-is-for-terrorists-awareness.  F&S is proud to have PC as part of the F&S cartel.  Inspired by the works of PC, Fourth and Schlong decided to brew up a special batch of the blog for his most loyal patrons.  This edition features the usual mind-dumps of F&S which touch on guys F&S would go gay(er) for, things that give F&S the ultimate anti-boner, signs of the apocalypse, F&S's beloved alma mater, and some Democrat bashing.  New to the blog this edition is a segment that F&S hopes to make regular:  Friends of F&S.  

“Yeah, I’d do him” says Fourth & Schlong.

Aside from being Engaged to another man on Facebook, Fourth & Schlong is mostly hetero.  While there are varying degrees of ‘man crushes’ that exist there are certain guys that make Fourth & Schlong think “yeah, I’d do him.”  Below, in no particular order, are the guys that F&S wouldn’t mind docking up with and playing a rousing game of meat swords.

Yes.  This picture is symbolic.

Joey Votto – Yeah, I’d Do Him

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  F&S would do just about anything for a Reds World Series title and when you compound that with Joey Votto being the reigning NL MVP and face of the franchise, it’s all but written in stone that F&S would plow the backyard of Mr. Votto.

Spray F&S with your MVP juice Mr. Votto.

Drake – Yeah, I’d Do Him

If you just thought “omg F&S would do a black guy” – you’re racist – and that’s a good thing.  But Drake is only half black so it doesn’t make it completely un-pure.  F&S imagines Drake would just say “yeah” and “uh” like he does about 40 times in every song he’s in and then right before he busts he’d scream “it’s drizzzzaaaayyyyy.”

F&S never thought he'd be able to say "yeah, I've banged a half-black, jewish, canadian rapper"

Jason Bourne – Yeah, I’d Do Him

Let’s be clear:  F&S would not do Matt Damon the person, he would do Jason Bourne the character.  F&S would scream “CALL ME TREADSTONE” the entire time and get absolutely railed by the hate fuck that would ensue.  God that’d be hot.

Don't worry Jason, your wife won't mind you're banging F&S - she got murdered.  Remember?

Warren Buffet – Yeah, I’d Do Him

We’ll need a lot of Viagra for this one and we’ll probably have to take it slow and gentle, but Warren is a Bro King and would treat F&S right.  Plus, the dude’s company trades at over $120,000 a share – that is way sexy.

Just look at Warren flaunting that leg of his.  God that's sexy.

 The Allstate Mayhem Commercial Guy – Yeah, I’d Do Him

F&S envisions the Allstate Guy saying something like “I’m a pile-driving sex monger who is about to ruin your mink skin sofa, does your insurance cover that?”

The next picture will read "Mayhem is cumming."

Put My Boner in a Coffin

For as many things that give F&S a full hard-on, there are just as many that make my wiener instantly shrivel up and commit seppuku.  The following things are such big turn-offs that F&S isn’t sure he could get it up for Veronica Zemanova if these things presented themselves.

Quick!  Put the cake over their, there almost here for they’re surprise party!

 Yup, there really are people in this world that could read the above sentence and not think anything of it.  F&S on the other hand, sees the above sentence and barfs.  There’s an abundance of stupid people in this world and over-population is a significant problem, my solution:  have people properly use there/their/they’re in a sentence.  Answer correctly, continue your life as usual.  Answer incorrectly, get shipped to Africa with all the other idiots.

You would never again have to see people like this.  Imagine the euphoria.

You’re Fired

You should never, and I repeat, never be allowed to use : ) or ! in a business e-mail.  Ever.  Never fucking ever.  It’s not professional and makes you look like a fucking idiot.  If you include : ) or ! in a business e-mail I will assume you have the mental capacity of a 12 year-old girl and you will be treated accordingly.  People that use : ) or ! in a business e-mail should immediately be fired and have “I’m a douche” branded on their forehead.

This is fine anywhere, but a business e-mail.

Musk Up

The sight/thought/sound/smell/slightest hint of Brent Musburger. 

Fuck you Brent.

 Mayan Calendar Wrong:  World to End in 2010

If you’ve always loved that certain girl, but never told her – tell her now.  If you’ve always wanted to take a dump in a busy mall department store just to see how people would react – do it now.  If you’ve always wanted to fill a pool with pudding, drop acid, and jump off the high-dive – get high now.  Why must things get done now?  Because the world is ending in 2010.  Signs of the impending apocalypse are everywhere.  Here are a few illustrations as to why humanity has gone awry and the super-natural powers, whatever they may be, are about to obliterate humans from existence.

And You Thought Celebrity Baby Names Were Stupid

A guy in Oregon changed his name, legally, to ‘Captain Awesome’.  He was inspired to do so because there is a character on the TV series ‘Chuck’ that goes by the name.  He had to argue his case for name change in front of a judge in order for it to be approved.  I bet the taxpayers of Oregon are sure glad they financed the court costs of that proceeding…

"Your argument to change your name to Mr. Ass Squirt Gobblin is quite dynamic.  Let's reconvene tomorrow at 9 a.m. so we can waste for taxpayer money."

MLB Contracts > The Aggregate GDP of B.R.I.C.

How we ever came to the point where professional athletes sign contracts that could literally finance the average suburban school district’s operating budget for 5+ years is beyond me.  Major League Baseball’s annual Winter Meetings have brought out the worst in mankind.  So far we’ve seen these deals occur:

• Jayson Werth:  7 years, $126 million

• Carl Crawford:  7 years, $142 million

• Adrian Gonzalez:  7 years, $152 million contract extension

• Cliff Lee:  rumored deal is 7 years, +$160 million

This is the face of someone who just signed a $126 million contract.

These men play a game for a living.  They are not doctors, they are not soldiers, nor are they teachers; rather, they are overgrown children playing a game.  Looking for hope in humanity?  Look somewhere else, because you won’t be able to see any in professional sports, there’s too much obnoxious money obscuring the view.

Money:  eclipsing the hope in humanity, one professional sports contract at a time.

Oh, and if you think baseball contracts are absurd just wait for next season when the NFL waives the salary-cap after their looming player lockout.  As the richest league and most popular sport, the NFL will make it rain like nobody’s business.  Wait, that won’t be till 2011 – a year after the world has already ended.

Raw Dog Me Baby, We’ll Get on TV!

In order for life to carry on we must procreate.  In nature, this luxury typically goes to the strongest and smartest animals; a credit to evolution and natural selection (sorry bible thumpers, I forgot to tell you to close your eyes, cover your ears, and yell nanananana before that last sentence).  However, unlike animals in nature, humans live in a state of comfort and predictability, thus facilitating the opportunity for complete idiots to spawn offspring.

I'd attempt to make a witty comment here, but it's just depressing to think people actually believe in the above picture.

Now it must be said upfront that two of Fourth & Schlong’s favorite shows on television are ’16 & Pregnant’ and ‘Teen Mom’.  So much joy comes from watching the plight of moronic teens trying to spit out a fetus and be competent humans – it never goes that way.  It’s always about the dad needing to “step up”, the mom wanting to “go out with my friends and still be a normal kid”, and the grandparents wanting to kill themselves.  It’s perfect.

Janelle and Andrew embodied everything 16 & Pregnant stands for:  southern, white trash.  The dude was an unemployed alcoholic that went to jail, had a neck tatoo, and didn't own a car.  The chick was about 4 years younger than him and constantly went out and partied while abandoning her baby.  A modern day Romeo and Juliet.

What’s not perfect is teens are now trying to get pregnant on purpose just so they can get on the show and become famous.  If that isn’t the most Amurrrican thing I’ve ever heard I don’t know what is.  Apparently this is now the formula for fame:  Age 16 + Pregnant + Dysfunctional Family + MTV = The Final Straw That Ignites the Apocalypse.

There are literally 100's of magazines with similar cover pages to this one.  Hope is destroyed.

My Alma Mater > Your Shitty Ass School

F&S tends to be subjective at times, so in honor of objectivity, here is concrete evidence to support F&S’s next claim.  Scientific Fact:  Miami University is the best institution in the world.  Additional Scientific Fact:  Oxford Ohio is the greatest city in the world.  

I am aroused just looking at this picture.

Miami went from 1-11 last year to 9-4 and MAC Champs this year.  The reward for such a distinguished season?  Everyone on board, we’re going to the GoDaddy.com Bowl!  Fuck yes.

THIS IS WHY YOU PLAY THE GAME BABYYYYY

Side note, it’s funny how if Miami University basketball were to go undefeated they would win a national championship.  Yet, if Miami University football goes undefeated they would win a GoDaddy.com Bowl.  Hey NCAA, you fucking suck.

Democrats:   Can’t Live With ‘em, Can Definitely Live Without ‘em

Politically, F&S is moderate with a primary allegiance to right-wing swindlers.  F&S votes each year for the candidate that he thinks is best, and sometimes, it’s even been a Democrat.  However, Democrats more often than not piss off F&S the same way ultra-right wingers piss off F&S  – one line of thinking will never yield success.  

If you base your voting strategy off of whether or not the candidate has a (D) or (R) next to their name:  then you suck.

That being said – what the fuck are Democrats thinking.  Here’s a perfect opportunity to breathe life into a stagnant sector (manufacturing), better the livelihoods of fellow Americans (employment), and expand a fledgling industry (renewable energy).  So what do the high-power, deep-pocket, donkey-mascotters do?  They re-direct $450 million stimulus dollars to a Chinese firm for a wind turbine project in Texas.  Classic.

Ya know what these guys aren't cheering for?  Democrats.

Friends of F&S

F&S overcame the odds and actually has friends.  Okay maybe not friends per say, but people that will at least stay in the same room as F&S for more than five minutes.  Friends of F&S tend to be quite funny and this has inspired F&S to unveil a new segment of the blog that features a particularly funny thought/idea/quote courtesy of a F&S friend.

Our maiden voyage of Friends of F&S will set sail with a contribution by, and I’ll use code names so as to not sully the reputation of F&S acquaintances, “Ben the Fucking Fat Ass.”

“Ben the Fucking Fat Ass” recently noted that cans of dip contain this message:  “warning:  this product may cause mouth cancer.”  “Ben the Fucking Fat Ass” suggested that warning be changed so that it reads:  “warning:  this product will cause patriotism.”  Hilarious indeed.  F&S would like to thank “Ben the Fucking Fat Ass” for his generous contribution to this edition of the blog.

Idea for Photo Courtesy of "Ben the Fucking Fat Ass"