I Bet You Squirt

First off, I'd like to thank Professor Crum for his contribution "2022 - Year of the Infidel;" a well-written piece that continues to raise Qatar-is-for-terrorists-awareness.  F&S is proud to have PC as part of the F&S cartel.  Inspired by the works of PC, Fourth and Schlong decided to brew up a special batch of the blog for his most loyal patrons.  This edition features the usual mind-dumps of F&S which touch on guys F&S would go gay(er) for, things that give F&S the ultimate anti-boner, signs of the apocalypse, F&S's beloved alma mater, and some Democrat bashing.  New to the blog this edition is a segment that F&S hopes to make regular:  Friends of F&S.  

“Yeah, I’d do him” says Fourth & Schlong.

Aside from being Engaged to another man on Facebook, Fourth & Schlong is mostly hetero.  While there are varying degrees of ‘man crushes’ that exist there are certain guys that make Fourth & Schlong think “yeah, I’d do him.”  Below, in no particular order, are the guys that F&S wouldn’t mind docking up with and playing a rousing game of meat swords.

Yes.  This picture is symbolic.

Joey Votto – Yeah, I’d Do Him

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  F&S would do just about anything for a Reds World Series title and when you compound that with Joey Votto being the reigning NL MVP and face of the franchise, it’s all but written in stone that F&S would plow the backyard of Mr. Votto.

Spray F&S with your MVP juice Mr. Votto.

Drake – Yeah, I’d Do Him

If you just thought “omg F&S would do a black guy” – you’re racist – and that’s a good thing.  But Drake is only half black so it doesn’t make it completely un-pure.  F&S imagines Drake would just say “yeah” and “uh” like he does about 40 times in every song he’s in and then right before he busts he’d scream “it’s drizzzzaaaayyyyy.”

F&S never thought he'd be able to say "yeah, I've banged a half-black, jewish, canadian rapper"

Jason Bourne – Yeah, I’d Do Him

Let’s be clear:  F&S would not do Matt Damon the person, he would do Jason Bourne the character.  F&S would scream “CALL ME TREADSTONE” the entire time and get absolutely railed by the hate fuck that would ensue.  God that’d be hot.

Don't worry Jason, your wife won't mind you're banging F&S - she got murdered.  Remember?

Warren Buffet – Yeah, I’d Do Him

We’ll need a lot of Viagra for this one and we’ll probably have to take it slow and gentle, but Warren is a Bro King and would treat F&S right.  Plus, the dude’s company trades at over $120,000 a share – that is way sexy.

Just look at Warren flaunting that leg of his.  God that's sexy.

 The Allstate Mayhem Commercial Guy – Yeah, I’d Do Him

F&S envisions the Allstate Guy saying something like “I’m a pile-driving sex monger who is about to ruin your mink skin sofa, does your insurance cover that?”

The next picture will read "Mayhem is cumming."

Put My Boner in a Coffin

For as many things that give F&S a full hard-on, there are just as many that make my wiener instantly shrivel up and commit seppuku.  The following things are such big turn-offs that F&S isn’t sure he could get it up for Veronica Zemanova if these things presented themselves.

Quick!  Put the cake over their, there almost here for they’re surprise party!

 Yup, there really are people in this world that could read the above sentence and not think anything of it.  F&S on the other hand, sees the above sentence and barfs.  There’s an abundance of stupid people in this world and over-population is a significant problem, my solution:  have people properly use there/their/they’re in a sentence.  Answer correctly, continue your life as usual.  Answer incorrectly, get shipped to Africa with all the other idiots.

You would never again have to see people like this.  Imagine the euphoria.

You’re Fired

You should never, and I repeat, never be allowed to use : ) or ! in a business e-mail.  Ever.  Never fucking ever.  It’s not professional and makes you look like a fucking idiot.  If you include : ) or ! in a business e-mail I will assume you have the mental capacity of a 12 year-old girl and you will be treated accordingly.  People that use : ) or ! in a business e-mail should immediately be fired and have “I’m a douche” branded on their forehead.

This is fine anywhere, but a business e-mail.

Musk Up

The sight/thought/sound/smell/slightest hint of Brent Musburger. 

Fuck you Brent.

 Mayan Calendar Wrong:  World to End in 2010

If you’ve always loved that certain girl, but never told her – tell her now.  If you’ve always wanted to take a dump in a busy mall department store just to see how people would react – do it now.  If you’ve always wanted to fill a pool with pudding, drop acid, and jump off the high-dive – get high now.  Why must things get done now?  Because the world is ending in 2010.  Signs of the impending apocalypse are everywhere.  Here are a few illustrations as to why humanity has gone awry and the super-natural powers, whatever they may be, are about to obliterate humans from existence.

And You Thought Celebrity Baby Names Were Stupid

A guy in Oregon changed his name, legally, to ‘Captain Awesome’.  He was inspired to do so because there is a character on the TV series ‘Chuck’ that goes by the name.  He had to argue his case for name change in front of a judge in order for it to be approved.  I bet the taxpayers of Oregon are sure glad they financed the court costs of that proceeding…

"Your argument to change your name to Mr. Ass Squirt Gobblin is quite dynamic.  Let's reconvene tomorrow at 9 a.m. so we can waste for taxpayer money."

MLB Contracts > The Aggregate GDP of B.R.I.C.

How we ever came to the point where professional athletes sign contracts that could literally finance the average suburban school district’s operating budget for 5+ years is beyond me.  Major League Baseball’s annual Winter Meetings have brought out the worst in mankind.  So far we’ve seen these deals occur:

• Jayson Werth:  7 years, $126 million

• Carl Crawford:  7 years, $142 million

• Adrian Gonzalez:  7 years, $152 million contract extension

• Cliff Lee:  rumored deal is 7 years, +$160 million

This is the face of someone who just signed a $126 million contract.

These men play a game for a living.  They are not doctors, they are not soldiers, nor are they teachers; rather, they are overgrown children playing a game.  Looking for hope in humanity?  Look somewhere else, because you won’t be able to see any in professional sports, there’s too much obnoxious money obscuring the view.

Money:  eclipsing the hope in humanity, one professional sports contract at a time.

Oh, and if you think baseball contracts are absurd just wait for next season when the NFL waives the salary-cap after their looming player lockout.  As the richest league and most popular sport, the NFL will make it rain like nobody’s business.  Wait, that won’t be till 2011 – a year after the world has already ended.

Raw Dog Me Baby, We’ll Get on TV!

In order for life to carry on we must procreate.  In nature, this luxury typically goes to the strongest and smartest animals; a credit to evolution and natural selection (sorry bible thumpers, I forgot to tell you to close your eyes, cover your ears, and yell nanananana before that last sentence).  However, unlike animals in nature, humans live in a state of comfort and predictability, thus facilitating the opportunity for complete idiots to spawn offspring.

I'd attempt to make a witty comment here, but it's just depressing to think people actually believe in the above picture.

Now it must be said upfront that two of Fourth & Schlong’s favorite shows on television are ’16 & Pregnant’ and ‘Teen Mom’.  So much joy comes from watching the plight of moronic teens trying to spit out a fetus and be competent humans – it never goes that way.  It’s always about the dad needing to “step up”, the mom wanting to “go out with my friends and still be a normal kid”, and the grandparents wanting to kill themselves.  It’s perfect.

Janelle and Andrew embodied everything 16 & Pregnant stands for:  southern, white trash.  The dude was an unemployed alcoholic that went to jail, had a neck tatoo, and didn't own a car.  The chick was about 4 years younger than him and constantly went out and partied while abandoning her baby.  A modern day Romeo and Juliet.

What’s not perfect is teens are now trying to get pregnant on purpose just so they can get on the show and become famous.  If that isn’t the most Amurrrican thing I’ve ever heard I don’t know what is.  Apparently this is now the formula for fame:  Age 16 + Pregnant + Dysfunctional Family + MTV = The Final Straw That Ignites the Apocalypse.

There are literally 100's of magazines with similar cover pages to this one.  Hope is destroyed.

My Alma Mater > Your Shitty Ass School

F&S tends to be subjective at times, so in honor of objectivity, here is concrete evidence to support F&S’s next claim.  Scientific Fact:  Miami University is the best institution in the world.  Additional Scientific Fact:  Oxford Ohio is the greatest city in the world.  

I am aroused just looking at this picture.

Miami went from 1-11 last year to 9-4 and MAC Champs this year.  The reward for such a distinguished season?  Everyone on board, we’re going to the GoDaddy.com Bowl!  Fuck yes.

THIS IS WHY YOU PLAY THE GAME BABYYYYY

Side note, it’s funny how if Miami University basketball were to go undefeated they would win a national championship.  Yet, if Miami University football goes undefeated they would win a GoDaddy.com Bowl.  Hey NCAA, you fucking suck.

Democrats:   Can’t Live With ‘em, Can Definitely Live Without ‘em

Politically, F&S is moderate with a primary allegiance to right-wing swindlers.  F&S votes each year for the candidate that he thinks is best, and sometimes, it’s even been a Democrat.  However, Democrats more often than not piss off F&S the same way ultra-right wingers piss off F&S  – one line of thinking will never yield success.  

If you base your voting strategy off of whether or not the candidate has a (D) or (R) next to their name:  then you suck.

That being said – what the fuck are Democrats thinking.  Here’s a perfect opportunity to breathe life into a stagnant sector (manufacturing), better the livelihoods of fellow Americans (employment), and expand a fledgling industry (renewable energy).  So what do the high-power, deep-pocket, donkey-mascotters do?  They re-direct $450 million stimulus dollars to a Chinese firm for a wind turbine project in Texas.  Classic.

Ya know what these guys aren't cheering for?  Democrats.

Friends of F&S

F&S overcame the odds and actually has friends.  Okay maybe not friends per say, but people that will at least stay in the same room as F&S for more than five minutes.  Friends of F&S tend to be quite funny and this has inspired F&S to unveil a new segment of the blog that features a particularly funny thought/idea/quote courtesy of a F&S friend.

Our maiden voyage of Friends of F&S will set sail with a contribution by, and I’ll use code names so as to not sully the reputation of F&S acquaintances, “Ben the Fucking Fat Ass.”

“Ben the Fucking Fat Ass” recently noted that cans of dip contain this message:  “warning:  this product may cause mouth cancer.”  “Ben the Fucking Fat Ass” suggested that warning be changed so that it reads:  “warning:  this product will cause patriotism.”  Hilarious indeed.  F&S would like to thank “Ben the Fucking Fat Ass” for his generous contribution to this edition of the blog.

Idea for Photo Courtesy of "Ben the Fucking Fat Ass"

This Blog Be Goin' Ham, Shorty Upgrade From Bologna

Greetings to the Fourth & Schlong faithful.  Many things have happened since the last time we saw each other:  Four Loko got banned, Miami football won the MAC East, a friend's apartment burned down, Bros continued to wear Nantucket Lax Pinnies, and the Bengals won a football game.  Just kidding, the Bengals haven't won a game in 10 weeks.

You know what else happened?  Erin Andrews got even sexier.  Daaaaaaamn.

Per usual, this Fourth & Schlong entry is an eclectic mix of sports, self-psychiatric evaluation, politics, and feeble attempts at comedy.  The main thread is right off the bat:  it's anti-BCS with TOSU acting as the case study as to why the BCS needs to be a third-trimester abortion.  As a preemptive statement to TOSU die hards, this is not an anti-TOSU rant, it's anti-BCS, but being the TOSU fans that you are, you will not be able to realize this and demand my head on a platter for not bowing down to the TOSU-SuperFan-Act-Like-A-5-Year-Old-After-His-Toy-Just-Got-Taken-Away-Ego-Coaxing-Complex.  Afterward,  we explore the infinitely dynamic topics of radar guns, poop, Al-Queda, and homosexuality (also pronounced, faggotry).  Enjoy.

Old Guy in Bow Tie Goes Crazy

By now we've all heard that TOSU’s President, Mr. Gordon 'Reppin My Bow Tie on the Reg' Gee, ripped Boise and TCU for not being what TOSU is:  a mega-school with mega-bucks and mega-influence in the absurd tyranny that is the BCS.  

No this is not the bastard child of a Menage a Trois between Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, and Orville Redenbacher, it's TOSU President Gordon Gee.  This is what a BCS proponent looks like.

1.  Mr. Bow Tie described the opponents of TCU and Boise as "little sisters of the poor."  Let's dig a little deeper, shall we?

• Boise travels across the country for their first game of the season at a ‘neutral site’ stadium to play a top-10 team in Virginia Tech and wins.  TCU plays a PAC-10 team and two BIG-12 teams.  They bolster their out-of-conference Strength of Schedule (SOS) as best they can.  Why’s it so tough for those two schools to schedule quality opponents?  Surely it's not because the mega-bucks programs are afraid of getting beat by the 'little' guy.... 

In the mind of Mr. Bow Tie, this is what every opponent of TCU and Boise looks like.

• ..... Oops.  It turns out they are afraid.  Consider Boise State’s open offer to play as the visiting team against any mega-bucks school, at the mega-bucks school's home stadium, with no need for the mega-bucks school to play in Boise the following year.  Boise has formally asked for such a game against, among others:  Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama, and yes TOSU.  And wouldn’t ya know it, all those mega-bucks schools said ‘No’. 

Actual photo taken of Boise State Athletic Director attempting to schedule games with mega-bucks schools.

2.  Mr. Bow Tie compared TOSU's schedule to "murderer's row" suggesting that TOSU only plays quality opponents week in and week out.  Let's dig a little deeper shall we?

• Regarding TOSU going through murderer’s row:  TOSU played only one team all year that finished the season ranked in the BCS top-25.  That teams was Wisconsin and TOSU lost to them by 13.  Their murderous out-of-conference opponents included Marshall, Ohio, and Eastern Michigan.  And yes TOSU fans, I hear you screaming “but we played Miami (FL) and they were #12 at the time!”  Yeah, I realize that.  But Miami (FL) also finished the season at 7-5, unranked, and they just fired their head coach.  Just sayin.  Also, TOSU played 4 road games and 8 home games, how is that even possible? 

This must be what Mr. Bow Tie sees when TOSU squares off against top-tier programs such as Eastern Michigan.

3.  Mr. Bow Tie made certain to note that the most egregious part in giving Boise or TCU National Championship consideration is due to the massive discrepancy in SOS between the stumpy chode-flop programs (ie. Boise/TCU) and the girthy horse-cock programs (ie. TOSU).  Let's dig a little deeper shall we?

In the bizarre world of Mr. Bow Tie, this is the difference between TOSU's Strength of Schedule and Boise/TCU's Strength of Schedule.

• Of the top-15 BCS teams, TOSU has the 13^th worst rated SOS rated at #64.  The two teams behind them you may ask?  Wisconsin #71 and TCU #76.  Just for kicks, Boise is #62 and the other BIG-10 team, Michigan State, is #60.  And for those of you wondering, here’s the complete list of SOS’s for the schools ranked 1-15 in the BCS:  Auburn (24), Oregon 19, TCU (76), Stanford (8), Wisconsin (71), TOSU (64), Arkansas (17), Michigan State (60), Oklahoma (12), LSU (26), Boise (62), Missouri (23), Nebraska (44), Oklahoma State (35), and Virginia Tech (63).

On earth, where facts exist, the difference between TOSU's S.O.S. and Boise/TCU's:  -2 and 12 respectively. 

I Really Wish TOSU Went Undefeated This Year

I’m not lying, I really wish TOSU would have gone undefeated this year because of this very reason – they would not have made the National Championship game.  All hell would break loose as the denizens of Columbus screamed bloody murder as they sat in the #3 spot staring up at Auburn and Oregon. 

Exhibit A as to why TOSU would not make the National Championship game even if they were undefeated this year.  This is how many points TOSU has given up in its last two National Championship games.  These games consisted of TOSU showing up and then getting ass-plowed by far superior SEC teams.

Each year I hope the greatest number of teams statistically possible goes undefeated because the BCS will never change unless there is a steady stream of schools finishing undefeated and subsequently getting sodomized by the BCS cartel.  What better catalyst for change than to have TOSU, previously the quintessential BCS proponent, become the ultimate BCS pariah.  

Remember back in 2004 when Auburn went undefeated, but still got boxed out from the National Championship game?  You probably don't because even after Auburn got the BCS shaft, the world carried on.

After getting screwed out of the National Championship game, Auburn fans were upset, but life carried on.

Now try to imagine a world where in 2004, instead of Auburn going undefeated and getting screwed out of an opportunity for a national championship, TOSU was the team that went undefeated and got screwed out of an opportunity for a national championship.

After getting screwed out of the National Championship game, TOSU fans ushered in 1,000 years of darkness via nuclear warfare.  Reason being?  If TOSU can't win a National Championship, then nobody can.

Random Things I Want Studies Done For

It’s no secret that the mind of Fourth & Schlong is erratic, wandering, and by and large, deranged.  The following things are repeat offenders in terms of making Fourth & Schlong think “there needs to be a study done for that.  I'd love to know what the results were.”

Thing I Want a Study Done For #1

• You’re driving down the highway and there is a bro-hater in the median (aka a cop) doing the radar gun on each passerby.  Per usual, everyone slows down as they approach the cop then speed up once the pass the cop.  My question:  how long does the average person look in the rear-view mirror after passing the cop to make sure that cop isn’t pulling out to flag them down for speeding?

You just drove by this guy.  You were going 72 in a 65.  How long do you look in your rear-view mirror saying to yourself "shit is he coming out for me?  shit is he coming out for me?"

Thing I Want a Study Done For #2

• Taking a shit is one of the most euphoric, everyday activities that man completes.  There’s nothing better than replicating Hiroshima in the toilet bowl via your asshole.  Monster shits build self-esteem and provide great storytelling opportunities for when you’re with your bros; even better if you have a picture to share.  My question:  how much shit, in terms of pounds, does the average person produce in a lifetime?

If you're looking at the above pictured turd and thinking to yourself "I could take a much greater shit than what is pictured" -- then you are a bona fide Fourth & Schlong patron.

Thing I Want a Study Done For #3

This next one is the one that I'm convinced there is some crazy sub-conscious connection going on between people, yet nobody ever really realizes it -- except for me.  Which either proves that I'm crazy, a genius, or a crazy genius.  Most likely, the result is I am insane, but hey, at least it's a smooth transition into senility when I get older.  Right?

Hopefully for the sake of Fourth & Schlong, he never gets this crazy.

Here is the scenario.  You and a friend are listening to the same song together.  Once the song is over, you and your friend start to sing parts of the song on your own.  After a few minutes of you and your friendly randomly singing the song you had just heard, the enthusiasm dies off and you each stop singing.  For the next few minutes it is either silence or conversation that has nothing to do with the song you were just singing.  Then it happens.

It's Drizzayyyyyyyyyyyyy

Just as I'm about to start singing the song again, the friend starts singing the same exact song, at the same exact spot in the song, at almost the exact same time I was going to start singing.  It then freaks me out because we were milliseconds away from simultaneously breaking into song without any way of planning it.

Does this happen to anyone else?  If not, I'll be expecting a few of you to be showing up at my apartment in the very near future for an "intervention" subsequently followed by me getting committed to a psychiatric ward.

At least Fourth & Schlong doesn't have to worry about buying any new clothes in the near future.

From the You've Gotta Be Shitting Me Department

ShittsBurgh

It's no secret that James Harrison of the Shittsburgh Steelers loves to hit people, particularly when he can hit them in their heads with the hope of decapitating the opposing player.  He's been fined a total of $125,000 this season as a result of those hits.  So what how does his head coach Mike Tomlin come to his defense?  By reminding the NFL that it should be about the kids and not about the career/life threatening hits that Harrison delivers.  Here's what Tomlin said in response the fines Harrison has faced:  

"We talk about the money like it's Monopoly money sometimes just because these guys happen to be professional athletes. I don't care how much money you make.... He's got two kids. That's some serious college schooling right there potentially for those kids 16, 18 years from now."

Pictured above is the beautiful lobby of the Farmer School of Business at my beloved alma mater, Miami University.  According to Mike Tomlin, it will cost Mr. Harrison $4 billion dollars to send his children here, or any other college for that matter, in 16 to 18 years.

Yikes!  Just imagine the plight the Harrison family would have to endure if they had 3 kids!  Harrison is scheduled to make over $3.5 million this season and signed a 6-year contract this past April worth over $51.1 million, with over $30 million of that deal as guaranteed money.

If Harrison can't find somewhere in that guaranteed $30 million of his to put aside for his kids' education then it's his fault.  And as someone who paid their own way through college and has the joyous duty of making student loan payments each month for the next 100 years of his life -- go fuck yourself Mike Tomlin.  You've gotta be shitting me.

This is what Fourth & Schlong looks like each time he has to pay his monthly student loan bill.

Al-Queda Wins World Cup Bid

FIFA announced the hosts of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups this morning.  No I didn't know they were announcing them either because it's my patriotic duty as an American to 1. Not give a shit about soccer 2.  Refer back to number 1.  As Fourth & Schlong has previously documented, soccer is a pussified, bitch game reserved only for the whiniest, puma wearing douches and it serves no utility in this universe of ours.  The only exception to this is when soccer is played by girls, then it's acceptable.

Here's a picture of U.S.A.'s starting line-up for the last World Cup.  Quick, name someone on the team besides Landon Donovan (assuming you could even name him).  Exactly, you can't.  Because soccer fucking sucks and nobody gives a shit.

HOWEVER... It was brought to my attention that America lost the bid for the 2022 World Cup to... QATAR.  That's right, Qatar.  America was defeated by Qatar.  The same Qatar that sits smack dab in the Middle East and recently defended the right of Iran to pursue nuclear technology because it was strictly for "energy purposes."  Thanks for bringing additional shame to our country soccer.

Go ahead and try to find Qatar, the country that America couldn't win a bidding war against.

So have fun with your 2022 World Cup FIFA.  I'm sure hundreds of thousands of fans will be flocking to the Middle East where they can either:  1. Get blown up by Al-Queda 2. Melt in the 130 degree summer heat and get blown up by Al-Queda  3. Survive long enough to make it into the stadium to cheer for their team and then get blown up by Al-Queda.  You've gotta be shitting me.

Artist's render of what Qatar looks like on a daily basis.

Continued Nonsense With "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy

This continues to baffle me:  how in the world does being openly gay impact your ability to be a soldier?  Right now, there are hundreds, if not thousands of gays serving in the military, but nobody knows for sure because they aren't allowed to disclose that information.  Are we to assume that all of the gay members of today's military are consequently the worst soldiers due to their gayness?  No, we cannot assume that.  If you do assume that, consider yourself a fucking idiot.

If the medic were gay and the wounded soldier straight, would the wounded guy refuse treatment?  No, because they both respect each other for having the guts to put their lives on the line for one another.

The Pentagon just released a report that was a year in the making.  The topic of the report?  Evaluating the impact of openly gay soldiers serving in the military.  Here is an excerpt:

"transformational experiences in history is that in matters of personnel change within the military, predictions and surveys tend to overestimate negative consequences, and underestimate the U.S. military's ability to adapt and incorporate within its ranks the diversity that is reflective of American society at large."

Americans overreacting to changes in the social-norm safety net?  Never!  Oops, I mean, Always!  You've gotta be shitting me.

It's doubtful that people you'd associate with the above picture would agree with what Fourth & Schlong just wrote.

Shout Out to My Comedy Idol

My all-time favorite comedian, Leslie Nielsen, passed away this week.  Among his many roles he played the main character, Lt. Frank Drebin, in my all-time favorite series of movies The Naked Gun.  Today I'll leave you with one of my favorite scenes from the Naked Gun.  Enjoy.