Professional Soccer in America is for Douchebags

The MLS Championship game took place this past weekend – and still, nobody gives/gave a shit.  For those of you who aren’t familiar, Major League Soccer (MLS) is an American ‘professional’ soccer league that consists of a bunch of Americans that aren’t good enough to cut it in leagues overseas and a bunch of washed up international players who want to ride out their soccer careers in a semi-demeaning fashion all for the sake of getting some attention and making more money.  Do I blame the players for doing this?  No, it happens all the time in professional sports.  What I do have an issue with, is soccer people acting like everybody should care about soccer in the United States – because nobody does, nor should they.

Take a look at the main professional sports leagues in the United States:  National Football League, Major League Baseball, and National Basketball Association.  These leagues succeed because they feature the best players from around the world in their respective sport.  Fans pay to see athletes performing at the highest level.  Media coverage is dedicated to chronicling the actions of athletes performing at their highest level.  These leagues have storied franchises with superstar players, both past and present.  And it’s these stars that ultimately carry a league.

When the NBA was on the verge of collapsing Bird and Magic were there to save the day.  Jordan then took the NBA to a new level, with Lebron and Kobe doing the leg-work today.  Mega franchises:  Lakers, Celtics, Bulls.

When the MLB was reeling from a players strike, McGwire and Sosa captured the public spotlight with their historic homerun battle.  Today Pujols and A-rod lead the way.  Mega franchises:  Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs.

The NFL needs no saving, it’s a financial and cultural juggernaut that owns its domain.  The Super Bowl might as well be a national holiday.  Hell, it’s so American that some people get more excited about watching the commercials than watching the game itself.  Mega franchises:  Packers, Cowboys, Jaguars (ha, I’m just kidding, need to make sure you’re paying attention).

That brings us to the MLS.  For starters, it couldn’t even come up with its own name, instead it had to steal from baseball and go with the Major League concept.  But here is the all important step to illustrate how obscure soccer is in American society:  The “bimbo test.”  The bimbo test requires getting the most air-headed, ugg boot-wearing, tanning salon-visiting, shit for brains girl walking around your local mall and asking her the following question – “Please name 1 team and 1 player past or present from [insert sport here]."

Sure the Paris Hilton wannabe will struggle, but it’s a lock that she’ll eventually give you a right answer for baseball/basketball/football.  Now ask her about soccer.  Not a chance she’s getting it right.

Now we’re going to bump up the testing metrics and do the “Sportscenter Snob Test.”  The sporscenter snob test requires getting the most annoying, hyper-analytical sports fan, that prides himself on telling his fantasy sports triumphs to everyone he comes across and asking him the following question – “Please name 3 teams and 5 players past or present from [insert sport here].”  Oh how the fan will patronize you for asking such a silly question.  He’ll start dropping names like Honus Wagner and the Toronto Huskies on you.  He’s likely to drown you in obscure stats while he’s at it.  Stay silent, for soon you will have your revenge.  Now ask him – “Please name 3 teams and 5 players past or present from Major League soccer.”  Silence.  Maybe a few stutters, and he can eek out “David Beckham” but that’s about it.

So for those of you scoring at home, that’s an “F” for MLS.  It’s not catching on anytime soon, nor will it ever.  And stop the argument of “but soccer is the most popular youth sport in America!  If they all played it as kids they’ll undoubtedly support it as a fan!”  Fat chance.  There’s no cultural ties to soccer in America.  Baseball?  Absol-freakin-lutely.  Football?  Bingoooo (and growing stronger everyday).  Basketball?  Oh fo’ sho’!  Soccer?  Errrr, wrong.

The point that ultimately destroys soccer is held in the American psyche:  guys that play sports should be masculine, tertosterone crazed mongers.  They need to be this way so Construction Joe can sit back in his recliner in middle-America pounding budget brand beers and still be able to relate to the athlete on some level.  Examples include:  Basketball, Baseball, Football.

You think Construction Joe is going to be able to relate to this?  I didn’t think so.

So let’s take an even closer look at how soccer further pussifies itself.

Oh, it’s 50 degrees out.  Slightly chilly.  Better bundle up and put on my gloves if I’m going to be playing my best.

My precious ankle!  The other player came within 3 feet of me so I figured I had to flop to the ground!

I have so much gear to carry to the field, I better get something to put it in.  Are you kidding me?  What kind of effeminate, douche nozzle, weasel would ever be caught using something that is designed for junior high girls to carry their maxipads in?  Oh that’s right – This.  Guy.  (Editor’s note:  the guy you just saw is without a doubt the biggest douchebag/creeper/effeminate person you will ever meet.

Hey thanks for coming out and supporting us everybody, we’re now going to do such an apathetic/sarcastic clapping motion that even the Queen of England would be embarrassed by how uninspired we are right now.

Wait, so you don’t play for the Columbus Glidden?  You play for the Columbus Crew?  Well only a douchebag would wear a uniform without their team/city on it.

Hey, good game.  Can I have your shirt?  NO SELF RESPECTING ATHLETE SHOULD EVER DO THIS.  Why on earth would you ever voluntarily exchange jerseys with the opponent?  And don’t give me this garbage about respecting your opponent and having a keepsake for the game, etc.  The opponent exists so that you can beat them, not exchange wardrobes. 

And there you have it.  Professional Soccer + In America = EPIC FAIL.

Its Free Money. Week "3"

Here's my monologue. Me and me 2 friends are staying in tonight and gaming for about twelve hours. We have a SEGA, Nintendo, Super nintendo, gamecube, wii, 2 ps3's, and some BEER. Winners? Yep. Can't wait to play online and talk shit to blacks.

NCAA

Utah @ TCU

BJ: How in the world is TCU such a huge favorite over Utah? Did I miss something? Isn't Utah 8-1 with a few pretty large wins of their own. Granted they don't look as dominate as TCU, I still don't understand how they are 20 point underdogs.
That being said, I still think TCU will win. The Horned Frogs will come out hungry, mainly because the TCU athletic site states, "A HORNED FROG's primary diet is red harvester ants; they'd like 80 to 100 a day. Unfortunately, red ants are falling victim to insecticides and to more aggressive fire ants in much of Texas." I think a proper supplement for red harvester ants is a good ole fashioned Ute. Plus who would care if a few more indians (Utes) died.

BJ: Utah +20

BW: Oh, this game has "you just got fucked out of your money" written all over it. TCU is blowing out everybody and looking damn good in doing it. But in roll the mormons. Sure they are those BYU type of mormons but they are hardcore mormons nonetheless. And mormons hate horny frogs. Oh, the name is horned frogs? Well dont tell the mormons that, they hate anything thats horny! It's blasphemous! (The following 2 sentences do not apply to horny 3rd wives. In the mormon world that's jackpottttt). Uber trap game for guys giving the points.

BW: Mormons +20.

PC: TCU wins this one. But twenty points is insane. I forget Utah's RB but he can play.

PC: Fags +20

Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh

BJ: Sorry Pete, but I really hope Pittsburgh wins this one. I'm looking for a good showdown between Cincinnati and Pitt in a few weeks with only one loss between them. I wish this line was the line of the TCU game because then I would pick Pitt -20. I trust Notre Dame that little.
Plus if Pitt loses, that means the talks of Charlie Weis being fired will cool down. I LOVE hearing talks of his firing, and I don't ever want them to cool down. In fact I think boosters should fork over money so Notre Dame can keep Weis there for 10 more years. 10 more years of "Is Charlie Weis on the hot seat?"

BJ:Pitt -7

BW: The Big East is terrible and Pitt shouldn't be 8. Notre Dame is terrible and shouldn't get 80% of the press that it gets. But Pitt doesn't run the triple option. Pitt will win, but I think ND keeps it close.

BW: ND +7

PC: How did PItt get to 8-1? By playing terrible teams. Weis is already fired Bob so don't worry about it. ND wins out right. I don't even want the points.

PC: ND even

College Game of the Week: Ursinus vs Dickinson

BJ: For years I've talked about how much I love the Centennial Conference. Not only is this a battle of Centennial Conference opponents, but it is a match-up of arguable the two most underrated non-FBS/FCS Pennsylvania teams in the nation. I look for the Dickinson Red Devils to continue to run the ball well, seeing as their average is about 246 yds/game. For 34 years Dickinson played host to the Washington Redskins training camp. (1963-1994) That would put a horrible taste in my mouth and make me want to play hard every week. Look for Dickinson to continue there march for the Centennial Conference Championship.

BJ: Dickinson 42 - Ursinus 10

BW: Everytime I look at Ursinus I think Uranus. And that's hysterical. These Dickinson guys don't know whats coming. The Red Devils are about to become the Brown Devils after Ursinus shits all over them this weekend. Dickinson may run the ball well, but they're about to get covered in the runs by Uranus this weekend.

BW: Uranus 29, Dickinson 22

PC: Dicks pummels anuses so Dickinson wins... that is unless the anus doesn't allow the dick to enter. NOW i am sure the dick will just roofie and conquer.

PC: Dickinson by 69

NFL

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

BJ: Chad Ochocinco was just fined $20,000 for "bribing" an official. The best part about all this hoopla is the fact that if CBS had never put a camera on him during the review of the play, no one would be talking about it and there would be no fine. The refs during the game looked so sick of putting up with his shit, they didn't even realize that he was trying to "bribe" them.
Steelers are on a roll and now that I've watched the Bears play every game for 9 games, I'm pretty sure the Steelers should be 7-1. (Still can't believe the Bears beat them)
You heard it here first: Pittsburgh doesn't lose another game all year!

BJ: Pittsburgh -7

BW: All everyone does is rip on the Bengals. If the talking heads were right every game, the Bengals would be 0-8. Win late in the game? They say Fluke. Win on a last minute drive and the other team committed penalties? They say Luckyyy. Blow teams out? They say the other teams suck. Well guess what -- good teams find ways to win games that bad teams would find ways to lose. Thats why some teams are 5-3 instead of 3-5, etc. etc. etc. I don't know if the Bengals will win this game, but I think they'll keep it within a touchdown.

BW: Bengals +7

PC: I hate both teams, I hate cincy less.

PC: Bengals +7

Indianapolis @ New England

BJ: I hate Tom Brady. I love Peyton Manning. I will not spend anytime analyzing any game for the Patriots. I hope the Colts win by 45, but that probably wont happen.

BJ:Indy -3

BW: If this match-up took place in the Double Stuff Racing League I'd take Petyon -69 -- but it's not. God I just hate Bawwwston. So many people bow down to the evil empire coaching strategy to Mr. Spygate himself and I will agree he's gotten the most out of his players over the past 7 or 8 seasons, but Mr. Spygate has done it in the most douchey way possible. His wardrobe: douchey. Personality (we're being hypothetical here, we all know he doesn't have one): douchey. His QB: douchey. But damnit, I dont think Peyton will pull this one off.

Douchebags: +4

PC: I am not sure how one of you picked +4 and the other picked -3 but I am taking New England and whatever the spread is.

PC: NE (insert spread here).

Game of the Week: Kansas City @ Oakland

BJ: Is any team less mentioned in the NFL than the Kansas City Chiefs?
JaMarcus Russel continues to win the award for "Biggest Nig to Ever Waste 100% of your 'Talent.'" He has not played one game this year with more touchdowns than interceptions. When he throws 0 INTs, he throws 0 touchdowns and completes about 40% of his throws. I actually like Tom Brady more than I like JaMarcus Russel. Russel is so fucking fat!
After my completely legitimate analysis, I can't honestly see either team winning. I really think this will end in a 3-3 tie.

BJ: Oakland +2

BW: If there were ever a match-up that had "subject to blackout in local market" this has got to be it. And no; I am not referring to the Raiders fans coming out in full force to create another 'black hole' on a Sunday afternoon. I am still laughing at the contract the Chiefs gave Cassel who, aside form one season whcih he managed to put up decent numbers against bad teams and bad numbers against good teams, has yet to prove is anything more than the lifelong back up he has always been. I'm sure Cassel is laughing too, only his is laughing all the way to the bank. Larry Johnson is gone. The Cheifs sucked the life out of him from during a few gaudy seasons and like so many running backs before him, the franchise that wore him out, quickly showed him the door when things turned sour. Or as Johnson would presumably call it "all fuckin faggy." While Larry Johnson may be all out of fight, Tom Cable certainly has more fight left in him. Perhaps Johnson and Cable can meet up after the season is over when both are unemployed (or during the season while both are unemployed) and together they beat all the women they desire. Gimme da Raidas! Cuz lets be honest -- if the Chiefs do win it will not be more than 1.

BW: Oakland +2

PC: UMMMMMMMM.....

PC: KC -2

Sorry for my inadequate analysisisisisis but I gotta get to gaming. sammich out

So Many Stories in Sports are Begging the Question: WTF???

The beauty in sports is two fold: the competition and the drama. Sometimes the side stories become so overwhelming that, admittedly, I lose focus on what matters most (the actual game) and get lost in the nonsense (the drama). Recently, it seems there are some oddball happenings in sports that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams. It's as if me, my friends, recently fired soap opera writers, recently hired porno writers, and TMZ all joined forces to create stories that were made exclusively for cable networks needing to fill the 3am, Sunday morning time slot. Yet here we are, actually living in the same world that these stories are happening. Let's take a look:

Should I sit out at Denver or should I risk another near death experience?

A few years back when Steelers safety Ryan Clark played in Denver the dramatic change in altitude caused such a bad physical backlash with his sickle cell disease that it caused his own blood to attack his spleen and gallbladder forcing him into emergency surgery and almost killing him. That's right his own blood attacked his own inner organs and he almost died yet he legitimately considered playing a game of football! Clark ultimately decided to not play, but to even entertain the notion of playing at the expense of dying is out of control. WTF?

Bitches runnin' wild!

The Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie a week after the Dodgers were eliminated from the playoffs. Jamie was the CEO of the Dodgers and the gig payed $2 million a year. Hmm, perhaps he was displeased with the way his wife handled things in the organization and wanted to turn over a new leaf, after all, the Dodgers have been a playoff disappointment the past two years. ERRRR. WRONG. He instead filed for divorce because his wife was banging her bodyguard and taking trips to Israel and France and then leaving the tab for the Dodgers to pick up. In a way I empathize for Mr. McCourt for his bitch of a wife back-stabbing him, it's deplorable. On the other hand, Mrs. McCourt had a bodyguard? What in the hell does she need a bodyguard for? Oh that's right, to fuck her. If Mr. McCourt was so naive to believe that there was nothing wrong/suspicious/off/completely unexplainable with his wife traveling abroad for weeks on end with her bodyguard, then shame on him. WTF?

Who says a monkey wrench and cryogenically frozen heads don't mix?

So Ted Williams was a 2x MVP, 17x All-Star, 2x Triple Crown Winner, 1st ballot Hall of Famer, and Veteran of WWII and the Korean War, but most people know him now as the guy that had his head severed and cryogenically frozen. As if that's not crazy enough, in a new book published by a former Alcor employee (the company that keeps Williams' frozen) head, the employee makes the claim that another Alcor employee cracked Williams' frozen head with a monkey wrench as he was trying to knock off a can of frozen tuna that had gotten stuck to Williams' head. WTF?

And just when you thought things couldn't get anymore weird ....

Sammy Sosa goes from being black to being some sort of god-forsaken mole rat that has endured 3rd degree burns over 90% of his body. Sosa blames the inexplicable change in skin coloration on a skin moisturizer. Wow. W. T. F????


-Brad

Eerily Quiet on the BCS Front

Take a moment. Listen to the BCS chatter. I’ll give you a few moments to do so…

What did you hear? You heard the talking heads discussing TCU jumping up to #4. You heard the talking heads debating how this year’s media darling UC is stuck at #5 because the Big East is terrible. You heard them discrediting #6 Boise State because the media has a case of the smurf turf blues.

Now consider this – what didn’t you hear? You didn’t hear the talking heads discussing #3 Alabama. You didn’t hear the talking heads discussing #2 Texas. You didn’t hear the talking heads praising the #1 Florida Tim Tebows. In a year where we’re only a few interesting bounces of the ball away from a BCS Championship game featuring two ‘unproven’ programs playing in the game, it’s being assumed that there will be no movement at the top. It’s incredible. Up until this point in the BCS era, teams were worried so much about style points, driving up their margin of victory, and making sure their shit didn’t stink that nothing went unnoticed. No team was immune from the BCS microscope.

Your team only beat a D-II cupcake by 45 points at home? Hmm, the microscope says you should have beaten them by 65. Minus Points. Go into a rival stadium and beat a team in a close, highly contested game? Hmm, the microscope says you won in a ‘sloppy’ fashion. Minus Points. Your season is over and your head coach is lobbying to the media for your team to jump another team in the standings because you beat them earlier in the season. Hmm, the microscope says you’re a douchebag. At a time where one loss could completely implode the BCS supremacy paradigm and open the floodgates for non-BCS schools to play on a championship stage, nobody is talking about the possibility of that actually happening – and they’re right in doing so.

Take a look at the current top three teams in the BCS standings and what do you get: Florida, Texas, Alabama. When you think of those schools what do you think? You think football. FOOTBALL.

Now take a look at the next three teams behind them in the BCS standings and what do you get: Texas Christian University, University of Cincinnati, Boise State University. When you think of those schools what do you think? You think, “who the hell is Texas Christian.” You think, “hey didn’t Bob Huggins used to coach there?” You think, “haha they have a blue turf field.” And wayyyy down on the list, if you turn up a few stones and use those detective skills you mastered when you were 8 while playing Where in the World is Carmen San Diego on Windows 95, you will eventually realize those schools play football.

If college football has taught us anything, for better or worse, it’s that recognition is predicated on previous success. Got a program with a storied legacy and I will show you a team that is and always will be saturated in media coverage and most likely, frequent success. Why? Because the schools are football factories. Those storied programs have the most fans, have the most money, have the best facilities, get the best recruits, and use football as the flagship marketing tool for the university. Got a program with a legacy that isn’t more than a flash in the pan and I will show you a team that is and always be mired in relative obscurity. It takes more than a few streaky seasons to break in with the big boys.

Want to talk legacy? Alabama, Texas, and Florida combine for 11 national championships (I’m only giving Alabama 4 championships in this scenario, if you want to know why that’s the case look it up because Alabama is really into the practice of just claiming national championships as their own). Now what about UC, Boise, and TCU? Well funny you should ask. They combine for ‘4’ national championships. And it goes a little something like this:

You’re throwing a party and it is BYOB (no self-respecting human would ever, ever throw a party and then have the audacity to require BYOB, and if you’ve ever done that go fuck yourself, you suck -- but for the sake of illustration let it slide for now). UC shows up and what a shock, the cheap bastard is empty handed (0 national championships). Boise State shows up and is holding a case of Keystone (1958 Junior College & 1980 I-AA national champions). It’s like hey, I didn’t pull a UC and show up with nothing, but I sure hope somebody brought something decent because who the fuck wants to drink Peestone. And then TCU shows up fashionably late with Schlitz (1935 & 1938 national champions). It’s like hey I used to be good, look at me. Well, polio used to be a threat too – and neither Schlitz nor Polio is making a comeback (previous sentence does not apply to Africa). So what are you left with for the party then? An empty handed person, a case of Keystone, and a case of Schlitz. Yeah, I’d texting my friends to see what else is going on too.

Of course, we can’t have this discussion without the mention of money. Money makes the football world go round. That money is generated through legions of fans buying up merchandise, attending the games, tuning into the game on television, and making a vacation out of the bowl trip. Now which match-up of universities do you think will bring in the most money: Alabama vs Texas or TCU vs UC?

Is it fair that the BCS boxes out the smaller guys? Is it fair that non-human computers ultimately decide who plays for the national championship? Is it fair that some teams can go undefeated and never even sniff a chance at a national championship? I don’t think I know the answer to those questions.

What I do know is one thing. When the party is rockin’ on national championship night and the doorbell rings my guests better show up with Keystone and Schlitz in hand.

-Brad

It's Free Money. Week "2"

The Yankees won the World Series. Yet, strangely in a very sick and twisted way I was rooting for them. It’s not that I’m a Yankees fan, it’s just that over the past decade or so I’ve really had no reason to despise the Yankees. Their wild spending on player payroll failed to yield any benefits over the past decade and watching them sign guys to epically bad deals (refer to: Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa) was fun at first, but after a while a part of me had died – the part that always hated the Yankees.

I saw the past decade open up things for the Sawx and the enigma that is “Red Sawx Nation” (something which I hate even more than I did/do the Yankees). I also saw Steinbrenner be reduced from a polarizing icon to a diminishing old man that I couldn’t be angry at anymore, his life was literally eroding in the public spotlight. And the house that Ruth built was destroyed. I couldn’t get pissed off at all the “ghosts of Yankees past” casting their eerie spell over the opponent.

I found myself wanting A-Rod to win a Series so the media would pipe down about him, if only for a few months. I wanted Jeter to get another ring outside of the 4 he won early in his career to prove he still had something left. I wanted Girardi to win one so I didn’t have to hear about him wearing the number 27 anymore. But most importantly I wanted the Yankees to win the World Series so that order could be restored to the baseball universe. For generations, literally, the Yankees have won. My grandfather grew up hating the Yankees, my dad grew up hating the Yankees, I grew up hating the Yankees, and my future son will grow up hating the Yankees. But it’s hard to hate something that doesn’t get the best of everyone else. Now they have. Raise a glass and let’s toast – this one is for hating the Yankees and damn does it feel good.

Now let’s get to the picks of the week. Last week we saw yours truly (BW) go 1-1 in NCAA picks and 1-2 in NFL picks. Meanwhile, senior staff writer PC went 0-2 in NCAA picks and 1-2 in NFL picks. We also have a bonus college pick this week that may become a regular feature here on the column. Here are your Free Money picks of the week…

NCAA

LSU @ Alabama

PC: I am so excited for this game. It probably won't be entertaining, but who cares. LSU is yet to beat a talented football team. Their loss to Florida showed a lot about their program. Their offense sucks, and their defense is solid. Les Miles was quoted saying "If you punt it and go play defense, that's a good choice," Miles said. "There is nothing wrong with that." I Disrespectfully diasgree coach. How about you go into the ball game with an offensive gameplan? I dunno maybe try and score more than 3 points? Was the loss against Florida a moral victory? Play like a man. On the other hand... Alabama is by far the better team. If you have a better offense, defense, and special teams, PLUS a home game, you should win. It all depends on how well Alabama can run the football. They haven't aired it out much this year but still have the most talented player in the country in Julio Jones. If they can get #8 the ball downfield then this game is ovahhhhh.

PC: Alabama -8

BW: Everybody is all over the SEC’s balls like they are the best thing to ever happen to football. While I agree it’s the best top-to-bottom conference in the nation currently, I’m selling the notion that it features teams incapable of losing to anybody outside of its own conference. I’m not big on either team, have no allegiance to either, and don’t know a whole bunch about the dynamics of this game. What I do know is there will be plenty of tie-wearing, mop headed hair-do, croakie wearing, mega-douchebag southerners at the game. Give me LSU and give me the points.

BW: LSU +8


The Ohio State University @ Penn State

PC: TOSU sucks at Happy Valley. Penn State sucks at football. TOSU thrives in close games because I always root against them. Penn State chokes in big game. I hate TOSU. If you want to hear real sentences then read the review below mine.

PC: Penn State -5

BW: I have no idea what to make of this match-up. Pryor can’t throw the ball accurately to save his life and Penn State has already lost to Iowa – Iowa – at home this year. Joe Pa is nothing but a figurehead at this point and each offense has about as much imagination as Wyoming has blacks. Look for Pryor to start doing more zone-reads, keepers from the spread, etc. He had an epic fumble last year against Penn State and he’ll be playing in his home state for the first time since leaving high school. Pryor will have a big game, but it’ll look like he’s playing backyard flag football half the time. Give me TOSU

BW: The Ohio State University +5

Feature NCAA Match-Up

St. Olaf College @ Gustavus Adolphus (picking straight-up winner)

PC: I'm not researching this game because I have a final at 8am. HOWEVER!!!! NEW STADIUM THEORUM (NST) is in effect. Gusties win.

PC: GA win.

BW: Nothing gets the blood going quite like this epic match-up between two 3-5 teams hailing from the Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference. It’s going to be hard for the St. Olaf Oles (pronounced O-lees) to come into the new Gustavus football stadium (5,000 seat capacity) and be able to keep up with the mighty Golden Gusties. Despite these two teams having some of the most fucked-up mascot names I’ve ever heard of I’m going with the Gustavus Adolphus Golden Gusties. Look for Gusties quarterback Jordan Becker (121-238 comp/att, 1588/yds, 15TD’s, 10INT’s, 198.5avg. yds a game) to have a monster performance. I’m also officially going on record as Jordan Becker being a sleeper candidate for the Heisman.

BW: St. Olaf College Oles 23, Gustavus Adolphus 34

NFL

Philadelphia @ Dallas

PC: I hate Dallas and Philly. Dallas will win at home. Woohoo great opnion

PC: Dallas +1

BW: Roy Williams is mouthing off to the media that he is still the number one receiver for the Cowboys, but isn’t having the ball ‘thrown to him correctly’. Apparently getting a football between the numbers isn’t good enough for Mr. Brickhouse hands. The Dallas passing game is going through Miles Austin. Miles who? Oh don’t worry he’ll be double teamed during the night and will have little impact and I doubt Witten will go off for 150 yards receiving. Tony Homo will come out and lay an egg again on a, err, ‘big stage’ in Sunday Night football.

BW: Philadelphia -1

Shittsburgh @ Denver

PC: Fat man cost me $500 this year. Denver is going to be LOUD now that the Broncos are good and they realize this is a big game. It is going to be cold and nasty and I just like Denver plus points because they have a better record and are GETTING POINTS AT HOME. WTF VEGAS.

PC: Denver +4

BW: Not sure what to make of this one. Is this the beginning of the end for a Denver collapse? Does Shittsburgh’s offense continue the Jekyll and Hyde routine? Does Troy Palamalou actually use Head and Shoulders?? I’m saying No. Yes. Damn I wish I knew. As a human I am incapable of picking Shittsburgh to succeed in anything other than being a rusty hell-hole of sub-humanity.

BW: Denver +4

HIDE ALL WOMEN AND CHILDREN! IT’S THE NFL GAME OF THE WEEK!!

DETROIT ‘WHERES MY PAPERBAG MASK’ LIONS @ SEATTLE SEMENCOCKS

PC: You dont give up 10 points to the Detroit Lions and expect to cover the spread... if you're the seahawks that is (ended sentence in preposition).

PC: Detroit +10

BW: The line in this game is Seattle -10. That’s an absurd line for an absurd game. Both teams are horrible, but the Lions could very well be without top wide-out Calvin Johnson and top running back Kevin Smith. Yeah the Seattle Semencocks are terrible, but for Christ sake it’s the Lions they’re playing. I’m giving the points.

BW: Seattle -10

NFL Week 8 in Pictures

"Raise if your hands if you’re all natural!”
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/NFL/weeklygallery/week8/s091001_chargerscheerpg-vertical.jpg

"OMG! Guys did you see that!? I didn't fucking throw an interception!"
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/NFL/weeklygallery/week8/s091001_panthersstewartpg-vertical.jpg

"Gold? What you talkin bout? I just hate to brush my teef."
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/sp/getty/c0/fullj.2f15369090ec2220822ffbcefa370390/2f15369090ec2220822ffbcefa370390-getty-88972054sl023_jacksonville_.jpg

"Gotta hand it to Ed. He hasn't missed a game in 95 years."
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/NFL/weeklygallery/week8/s091001_coltshalloweenpg-vertical.jpg

"I think I just shat myself."
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/NFL/weeklygallery/week8/s091001_eaglesjacksonpg-vertical.jpg

"Now who do I punch first ....?"
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/ap/20091102/capt.acca4aaa3dde4d3fa69a08adfedfeaf8.raiders_chargers_football_cali120.jpg

"Actually, it is. And your team, fans, organization will never live it down."
http://msn.foxsports.com/id/10305874

"Pssst. Fuck you guys."
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/sp/getty/3c/fullj.db26a495d3877c278acfa5aac4098692/db26a495d3877c278acfa5aac4098692-getty-88972047sb001_viking_packer.jpg