Professional Soccer in America is for Douchebags

The MLS Championship game took place this past weekend – and still, nobody gives/gave a shit.  For those of you who aren’t familiar, Major League Soccer (MLS) is an American ‘professional’ soccer league that consists of a bunch of Americans that aren’t good enough to cut it in leagues overseas and a bunch of washed up international players who want to ride out their soccer careers in a semi-demeaning fashion all for the sake of getting some attention and making more money.  Do I blame the players for doing this?  No, it happens all the time in professional sports.  What I do have an issue with, is soccer people acting like everybody should care about soccer in the United States – because nobody does, nor should they.

Take a look at the main professional sports leagues in the United States:  National Football League, Major League Baseball, and National Basketball Association.  These leagues succeed because they feature the best players from around the world in their respective sport.  Fans pay to see athletes performing at the highest level.  Media coverage is dedicated to chronicling the actions of athletes performing at their highest level.  These leagues have storied franchises with superstar players, both past and present.  And it’s these stars that ultimately carry a league.

When the NBA was on the verge of collapsing Bird and Magic were there to save the day.  Jordan then took the NBA to a new level, with Lebron and Kobe doing the leg-work today.  Mega franchises:  Lakers, Celtics, Bulls.

When the MLB was reeling from a players strike, McGwire and Sosa captured the public spotlight with their historic homerun battle.  Today Pujols and A-rod lead the way.  Mega franchises:  Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs.

The NFL needs no saving, it’s a financial and cultural juggernaut that owns its domain.  The Super Bowl might as well be a national holiday.  Hell, it’s so American that some people get more excited about watching the commercials than watching the game itself.  Mega franchises:  Packers, Cowboys, Jaguars (ha, I’m just kidding, need to make sure you’re paying attention).

That brings us to the MLS.  For starters, it couldn’t even come up with its own name, instead it had to steal from baseball and go with the Major League concept.  But here is the all important step to illustrate how obscure soccer is in American society:  The “bimbo test.”  The bimbo test requires getting the most air-headed, ugg boot-wearing, tanning salon-visiting, shit for brains girl walking around your local mall and asking her the following question – “Please name 1 team and 1 player past or present from [insert sport here]."

Sure the Paris Hilton wannabe will struggle, but it’s a lock that she’ll eventually give you a right answer for baseball/basketball/football.  Now ask her about soccer.  Not a chance she’s getting it right.

Now we’re going to bump up the testing metrics and do the “Sportscenter Snob Test.”  The sporscenter snob test requires getting the most annoying, hyper-analytical sports fan, that prides himself on telling his fantasy sports triumphs to everyone he comes across and asking him the following question – “Please name 3 teams and 5 players past or present from [insert sport here].”  Oh how the fan will patronize you for asking such a silly question.  He’ll start dropping names like Honus Wagner and the Toronto Huskies on you.  He’s likely to drown you in obscure stats while he’s at it.  Stay silent, for soon you will have your revenge.  Now ask him – “Please name 3 teams and 5 players past or present from Major League soccer.”  Silence.  Maybe a few stutters, and he can eek out “David Beckham” but that’s about it.

So for those of you scoring at home, that’s an “F” for MLS.  It’s not catching on anytime soon, nor will it ever.  And stop the argument of “but soccer is the most popular youth sport in America!  If they all played it as kids they’ll undoubtedly support it as a fan!”  Fat chance.  There’s no cultural ties to soccer in America.  Baseball?  Absol-freakin-lutely.  Football?  Bingoooo (and growing stronger everyday).  Basketball?  Oh fo’ sho’!  Soccer?  Errrr, wrong.

The point that ultimately destroys soccer is held in the American psyche:  guys that play sports should be masculine, tertosterone crazed mongers.  They need to be this way so Construction Joe can sit back in his recliner in middle-America pounding budget brand beers and still be able to relate to the athlete on some level.  Examples include:  Basketball, Baseball, Football.

You think Construction Joe is going to be able to relate to this?  I didn’t think so.

So let’s take an even closer look at how soccer further pussifies itself.

Oh, it’s 50 degrees out.  Slightly chilly.  Better bundle up and put on my gloves if I’m going to be playing my best.

My precious ankle!  The other player came within 3 feet of me so I figured I had to flop to the ground!

I have so much gear to carry to the field, I better get something to put it in.  Are you kidding me?  What kind of effeminate, douche nozzle, weasel would ever be caught using something that is designed for junior high girls to carry their maxipads in?  Oh that’s right – This.  Guy.  (Editor’s note:  the guy you just saw is without a doubt the biggest douchebag/creeper/effeminate person you will ever meet.

Hey thanks for coming out and supporting us everybody, we’re now going to do such an apathetic/sarcastic clapping motion that even the Queen of England would be embarrassed by how uninspired we are right now.

Wait, so you don’t play for the Columbus Glidden?  You play for the Columbus Crew?  Well only a douchebag would wear a uniform without their team/city on it.

Hey, good game.  Can I have your shirt?  NO SELF RESPECTING ATHLETE SHOULD EVER DO THIS.  Why on earth would you ever voluntarily exchange jerseys with the opponent?  And don’t give me this garbage about respecting your opponent and having a keepsake for the game, etc.  The opponent exists so that you can beat them, not exchange wardrobes. 

And there you have it.  Professional Soccer + In America = EPIC FAIL.