Bowl season is still more than a week away, but it’s never too early to get excited about them. There are three great things about the college football bowl season: watching inter-conference match ups you ordinarily only get to dream about, sitting on your fat ass while eating nachos all day, and laughing hysterically at the more ridiculous bowl names. In a sports world where naming rights are increasingly given up to the highest bidder, I say we take a fun approach to the bowl games this year and make up some of our own Bowl names.
In order to know where you’re going, you must first know where you’ve been. Let’s examine some of the more unfortunate bowl names for this season.
Honorable Mention for Horrible Bowl Name
Papajohns.com Bowl
Any bowl that features something ending in .com instantly loses credibility.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Hahahaha, there is ‘gay’ in the name hahaha.
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Nothing says sensational football match-up like uh, oh better get MAACO! *Editors Note: Oregon State is playing December 22nd against BYU in this bowl. Had Oregon State won their final game of the season against Oregon they would be playing New Year’s Day in the Grand Daddy of them All, the Rose Bowl. You should never be one win away from the Rose Bowl and end up in the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl. Something is wrong with this scenario.
3nd Runner-Up
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
As a lead LTL motor freight company, R&L claims that it is “A carrier you can count on.” To complete that motto in a college football context it is “A carrier you can count on to bring you a horrible bowl game.” The game pits MTSU vs Southern Miss. I racked my brain for too long trying to even recognize who the hell MTSU is. *Editor’s Note: this bowl may possess the single worst trophy of the bowl season, it’s a brown wood/bronze abomination that even players’ moms are embarrassed of.
2nd Runner-Up
Meineke Car Care Bowl
That’s right, this bowl doesn’t even have a real name, the Sponsor is the name. This name really gets under my skin because it pulls some of the more attractive seeds from the Big East and ACC, even though the conferences are lousy in football, the teams participating deserve more justice. *Editor’s Note: Pittsburgh is playing December 26th against North Carolina in this bowl. Had Pittsburgh won their final game of the season against Cincinnati they would be playing after New Year’s Day in a BCS bowl game (most likely the Orange Bowl). You should never be one win away from the Orange Bowl and end up in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. Something is wrong with this scenario.
1st Runner-Up
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl
Roady’s is the nation’s largest chain of Truck Stops. No, I didn’t know that either. And I don’t know about you, but when is the last time you came across a humanitarian that was a trucker. This game is everything a bowl game shouldn’t be and for the award of ‘overall horribleness of a bowl game’ this would easily take the case, but this competition is about horrible names, not horrible experiences. Bowl games are all about the experience for the players. Sure there’s the winning aspect to it, but 30 years from now these players will remember more about the bowl experience they had than whether they won or lost. And freezing your ass off in Boise playing outside on blue smurf turf on December 30th and getting free gear from Roady’s is not what the bowl experience should be about (unless Roady’s throws in some truck stop hookers, then it could be very memorable indeed).
GRAND CHAMPION FOR WORST BOWL NAME EVER
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
My, isn’t it remarkable how easy that name just rolls off your tongue? I can just imagine the post-game trophy ceremony as the coach dutifully thanks the “San Diego County Credit Union” for putting on such a remarkable bowl experience for him and his players. Pff, yeah right coach, you’re blushing from the embarrassment of just thinking about saying those words out loud. I’d go as far to say that some coaches might purposefully make their teams lose just so they don’t have to publicly announce to everyone in attendance (all 5,781) that they are ‘proud’ to win the “San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.”
Stupid Bowl Names That I Have an Odd Affection For
Emerald Bowl
I like the commercials they run during them.
Outback Bowl
The entire name is based off the sponsor, but somehow that message is hidden in a weird way.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
It sounds friggin’ Bad—Ass.
Chick-Fil-A Bowl
It used to be the Peach Bowl and I always liked the Peach Bowl growing up because as a rugrat my family would always get together for New Years / my Grandma’s birthday and the game was always on. Ok, so maybe it’s more I really enjoyed that time with my family, but I like the Peach Bowl regardless and even the stupid Chick-Fil-A naming rights can’t take that away from me.
Now it’s the really fun part, coming up with bowl names that for whatever reason do not exist – but they should.
BOWL NAMES THAT ARE FIT FOR THE GODS!
The Vagina Monologues Bowl
The 2 Teams 1 Bowl, Bowl
The 69 Bowl
The 420 Bowl
The Bowl Cut Bowl
The Extenze Bowl
The Inaugural Bowl (note, name never changes)
The Brett Favre Brett Favre Bowl
The Irritable Bowel Syndrome Bowl
The Nobel Peace Prize Bowl presented by Skewed Popularity
The Outback Outcast Bowl presented by Red Headed Step-Children
The Brosef Bowl presented by Croakies
The Viagra Bowl presented by Ugly Wives That Have Let Themselves Go
The Miller Lite Bowl presented by Budweiser
-Brad
