Clearly an indication that the world is in fact coming to an end in 2012, Fourth & Schlong is posting its 2nd entry in as many weeks. Typical of most entries this one scatter brains from government spending, milfs, and everything in between. The main thread, and I use the term 'main' very loosely, focuses on the evils of Antasy. Crack open a cold one and enjoy the wonderment that is Fourth & Schlong.
The NCAA, Building Better Students, Athletes, Slaves to the Money Machine
This is what I’ve learned about college athletics: if you’re a super-star athlete, the NCAA has you by the balls. A.J. Green is a super-star wide-receiver for the Georgia Bulldogs and a lock to be a 1st round draft pick in the upcoming NFL draft. The NCAA suspended Green for 4 games due to a violation of NCAA rules. This violation was not drug, alcohol, or violence related it was, GASP, jersey related. Oh the horror!
Last year Green sold his game-worn jersey from the Independence Bowl for $1,000. That’s right, Green is being punished for selling a jersey of which he solely possessed and was legally allowed to keep. The broke-ass college kid isn’t allowed to make a dime off of the jersey he made famous, but low and behold, money mongers University of Georgia and the NCAA sure can.
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Girl: "That's a cool jersey Mr. Green, my daddy has one just like it!" Green: "Mane, fuck yo daddy." |
While Green is reprimanded for selling his own jersey, Georgia and the NCAA openly sell Green’s jersey. And when I say ‘jersey’ I actually mean ‘jerseys’ because Georgia and the NCAA sell 22 fucking variations of the jersey on their websites ranging from $34.95 - $150.00. Guess who sees zero proceeds from those Georgia website sales? You, me, and uhhhh, A.J. Green.
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And don’t give me that shit about “but A.J. Green is getting a free education and you can’t put a price on that.” If you genuinely believe in that, go fuck yourself – with a rusty pitchfork – in the ass. You really think A.J. Green would be at Georgia without football? You really think Georgia would want A.J. Green if he didn’t play football? Answers: No and Absolutely not.
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| If you don't think A.J. Green is getting fucked, then go fuck yourself with this. |
For the Sake of Absurd Juxtaposition
Now let's take a look a Jeremiah Masoli. The past two seasons he was the quarterback of the Oregon Ducks and even took them to the Rose Bowl last season where they were defeated by T.O.S.U. Mr. Masoli had a few minor incidents off the field last year so he decided to transfer from Oregon to Ole Miss for his final year of eligibility. Upon arriving at Ole Miss, Masoli was suspended for the season due to the aforementioned incidents.
Oh, dear. Yet another renegade player trying to make a few bucks by selling his jersey? Wrong. On separate occasions, Masoli was cited for misdemeanor marijuana possession and plead guilty to second degree burglary. But wait! Masoli appealed his suspension and was allowed to play for the entire season, no suspension time at all. Guess who's the starting quarterback for Ole Miss these days?
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| Reporter: "Jeremiah Masoli, any advice for the youth of today?" Masoli: "Shit I gots lots of advice. Just remember kids: smoke weed and commit burglary as much as you can. But do not, I repeat do no, do something crazy like sell your game-worn jersey. That shit will send you down the wrong path in life." |
Further Proof in the Decline of Civilization
At the end of last month, the New York Attorney General's office concluded a months long investigation, of which it hired independent counsel, at taxpayers expense, to help in said investigation regarding how the Governor of New York attended a single World Series game at Yankee stadium with his son, his son's friend, and a staff aide. The primary question was whether or not the Governor paid for the tickets. This investigation yielded a 41 page report that included sworn testimony from all those involved.
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| The investigation document looks somewhat like this. |
Who knows how many man-hours, tax dollars, and government services were directed at this effort as opposed to directing those funds towards more frivolous endeavors such as public utilities, public infrastructure, and education.
It continues to blow my mind that people call for a blood bath when the governor gets free tickets, but get pissed off when there isn't enough state funding left in the budget to complete projects that, ya know, actually improve quality of life.
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| Would you rather have road crews fill-up 1,000 of these on your local streets or investigate the Governor for going to a baseball game? |
There’s Gotta Be a Name For This
You know when you’re rollin’ through town in your whip and you're blazing tunes or you're up in da club wit hood rats and that certain song comes on and you’re like ‘oh fuck yeah this is my jam’? I’m talking about the song that makes you want to take an entire bottle of liquor straight to the face and enter Chris Brown levels of craziness. I’m talking about the song that makes sluts wetter than New Orleans levies and bros blow like Peter North.
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| Run and hide Rihanna cuz my jam just came on! Hollaaaaaa |
Undoubtedly that song is a rap song. And sure you know some of the chorus and a few lines here and there, but I guarantee there is one part of the song that every single white person knows: after a really fast stream of indecipherable words there’s like 3 words at the end of the line where the rapper slows down and every single white person in the metro area will scream them.
I have no idea why we all do this, but we need a name for it. Take note of it next time you’re out. It’s a bizarre phenomenon that fascinates me.
Soccer is Taking Over the World! -- lol j/k
Hey remember the 2010 World Cup that took place in South A(ids)frica? Yeah, I don’t remember it either, but what I do remember is this: people repeatedly telling us how this would be the world cup that would launch professional soccer into the spotlight in America. So here we are, 3 months later, at least I think it’s 3 months later, and we are equally as apathetic towards soccer.
If you need proof ask yourself these questions: is the MLS season going on right now? The answer is yes. Any idea how far into the season the MLS is? The answer is 25 weeks. Now ask yourself those same exact questions, but replace MLS with NFL/MLB. Laughable isn’t it?
‘Scuse me! This is Amurrrica and professional soccer will never catch on because it’s filled with pussified foreigners that gel their hair and think it’s cool to always wear track jackets.
NFL has obesity (American)
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| This is Amurrrican. |
MLB has players using tobacco while playing (American)
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| This is Amurrrican. |
Soccer has foreigners (UnAmurrrican)
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| Certainly Un-Amurrican! If this doesn't communicate why soccer will never catch on in the United States I don't know what will. |
Random editor’s note: every time I would type ‘MLS’ I would repeatedly type ‘MLF’ which made me think of MILF. I think my mind is subconsciously sabotaging me into a perpetual loop of mind-in-the-gutterness. OK, it's a conscious effort.
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Jeffifer Garner, queen of all milfs and the future Mrs. Fourth & Schlong. Gorgeous, funny, caring, and wears polka dots: She's the perfect woman. God bless her little heart. |
Fantasy? Nay! Tis ANTASY!
The euphoria yielded by an NFL player scoring a touchdown forhis team your fantasy team is borderline orgasmic. And by borderline I mean full-on, empty your balls til you jizz dust orgasmic. What could possibly be better than a real player that you 'own', a player who has no idea you even exist on this planet, scoring fake points, for your fake team, in your fake league? Yeah retards chasing butterflies, blacking out on $8 handles of vodka, and taking shits the size of polar bears are all awesome, but nothing comes close to the awesomeness that is your fantasy team earning more points.
The best part about your fantasy player scoring points is being around other people when it happens; the larger and more public the crowd the better. If you're at the apartment watching the game with your bros and your running back scores a TD you can't help but repeatedly scream out FFFFAAAANNNNTTTTAAAASSSSYYYY!
If you're at the bar and there's a whole slew of bros and bras watching the game and your running back scores a TD, hide yo kids hide yo wife, it's fantasy time! You'll be certain to scream out FFFFAAAANNNNTTTTAAAASSSSYYYY louder than ever before. This way, all the bros will know that you were smart enough to pick the player than just scored and this will instantly communicate to them that you are the shit: a fucking emporer of stomping dick in the fantasy football realm. Oh and the ladies? They'll be so wet knowing that you're such a fucking fantasy football king that they will literally have to swim over to you at the bar to suck your dick because their juices will have flooded the place.
Of course, in order to truly appreciate the joys of your fantasy team you must first pass through the turbulent gates of fantasy hell. A land that breeds hate, a land where there is no light and hope is so distant that even the purest and most noble of souls will careen into a cyclone of self-destruction. A land known simply as: Antasy.
Antasy (pronounced just like fantasy but without the 'f'; as in: an-tah-cee) is anything that impedes the success of your fantasy team. An forgiving beast, Antasy is capable of taking many different forms in order to maximize it's destruction. For the sake of clarity, I will list a handful of ways that Antasy will attempt to ruin your life. They will be ranked in a manner in which one '!' indicates a slight blip on the Antasy radar and 11 '!' indicates a nuclear Antasy meltdown of cataclysmic proportions.
*Special Editor's Note: I chose to rate the scale through 11 as opposed to 10 because 11 is a prime number and prime numbers are the shit. Don't believe me? Tell a girl you love prime numbers next time you're at the bar -- she'll begging you to stick it in her ass after you tell her.
Sharing the Wealth: Antasy Factor -- ! !
You're watching a game for the sole reason of seeing how your player does. If it's a kicker you religiously chant for failed third downs, if it's a receiver you pray every play is a pass, etc. You get the picture. Basically, every play that doesn't go to your player is a mild does of Antasy.
However, there's always the possibility that 'sharing the wealth' could manifest from mild antasy to painstaking Antasy. Doesn't it just chap your dick hole when you have a wide receiver and the quarterback decides to throw passes to seemingly everyone on the team except for your fucking player? Hell, even the fans in the stands have caught more passes during the game than your player. I don't care if my guy is double or triple teamed, throw him the fucking ball. I don't care that the quarterback visited Timmy from Make-A-Wish on his death bed prior to the game and Timmy's only request so that there be no passes to your receiver, throw my guy the fucking ball.
Laundry on the Field: Antasy Factor -- ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Drew Brees steps back in the pocket, looks deep, the secondary is completely unaware of receivers running down the field because they can't stop from staring at that crazy birth mark on Drew's face and -- touchdown! Brees rips a 70 yard TD pass and you are dancing the joyous fantasy dance, but wait... There's a flag on the play. Oh no, the beast rears its ugly head yet again as the referee announces 'offensive holding'. Antasy!
That's right, you're fantasy has been Antasized by that fat fuck offensive linemen for holding. Sure he dragged the defender down by the facemask from behind and had the lineman not made a blatant penalty against the defender, said defender would have hit Brees so hard from his blindside that his birth mark would jettison off his face and the phantom TD you were previously celebrating would have never even happened in the first place -- BUT -- that's not the point. You were teased in the cruelest of fashions. Antasy has a twisted way of smiting your hopes.
Dying a 1,000 Fantasy Deaths: Antasy Factor -- ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
This is the most painful of all Antasy encounters -- the challenge. You're guy just hauled in a 45 yard TD pass in the back corner of the endzone while swallowed up in double coverage. He used his tribal athleticism, jumped 9 feet in the air, got his King Kong hand on ball, did some Matrix shit on the way down to realign himself in bounds, lands in a heap of concussion calamity, and still manages to hold on to the ball. You juice your pants hard. I'm talking, your load breaks through your zipper and melts the wall kind of juicing.
Your guy gets up and starts doing some incredibly nig dance in celebration while the white, middle-aged announcers talk about how it's poor sportsmanship to celebrate a TD (fuck that if I score a TD there are felonies getting committed in the endzone) and special teams is trotting out to the field for the extra point. Kicker lines up. Ball is snapped. Kick is good. Your fantasy points are secure.
Oh you didn't think you'd get away with it that easy did you? Laying back at the 35 yard line is a cold, menacing piece of fabric. Officials are blowing whistles like mad men and whadda-ya-know? Douche McGee the Referee turns his microphone on to say "Prior to the PAT snap, the ruling on the field of a TD is being challenged. Play is now under review". Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. It's Antasy yet again!
Now when the play first happened all you could do was scream fffffaaaannnttttaaassssyyy out of pure elation from 1. the quarterback not 'sharing the wealth' 2. 'no laundry on the field' 3. your guy making the circus catch. But now you're seeing the replay -- and it's not looking good. One foot lands in bounds, the other foot lands justttt out of bounds. Fuck. What's even worse about the replay? One of the announcers is undoubtedly talking about how you only need one foot down in bounds in college, but need two feet down in bounds in the pros. There should be swift and painful punishment for retarded announcers that say things such as this.
After seeing the play happen at least 37 times in slow-mo, zoomed in replay you've accepted your fate, but each nauseating time they rewind the play on TV it tears open your Antasy wounds. You're watching your fantasy team get repeatedly Antasized in beautiful hi-def, but you just can't look away.
Finally, the ref comes out -- "the receiver came down with full possession of the ball and had one foot in bounds, but the second foot landed out of bounds, therefore it is not a catch". On cue the retard announcer that was talking about having two feet in bounds just moments ago goes "see I told you! In the NFL you need both feet in bounds, not just one!". You, and thousands of others, simultaneously get up and begin a witch hunt for his family. You all know what needs to be done.
So remember kids, next time your blacking out in ffffaaannntttaaasssyyy eupohoria: enjoy it. Enjoy every last second of it because lurking in the shadows is antasy -- and it's going to find you. It's going to find you and then do exactly what Kim Kardashian can't help but do to black guys -- fuck you.
Were You Paying Attention?
For the last 'Antasy Factor' I gave it 12 '!' as opposed to 11 '!', which the scale was said to operate to. Did you notice or did you just assume there were 11 '!'..?
Don't Lie
If you didn't notice the discrepancy in '!' earlier, did you just now scroll up to that section and count the '!' for yourself? Squinting at the screen and counting out each '!' just to verify for yourself how many there actually were? If you did, and I'm sure most of you did, to that I say 'mwahaha'. Man am I easily amused.
A Few Closing Notes
That about does it for this edition of Fourth & Schlong. I hope you leave this blog with a slightly deteriorated mental capacity compared to the one you arrived with. I'd also like to remind all the readers (I'm guessing there's around 3) to vote in the poll that has been set up. It's highly scientific and your participation is requested, it can be found at the top of the web page. Also, if there's any comments/suggestions/concerns/racist rants you have, feel free to comment.
As a bonus, here are some songs to help get you fucked up this weekend. God bless all your little hearts.
Getting Shit Faced This Weekend? Hey me too! This is your Pre-Game playlist
The euphoria yielded by an NFL player scoring a touchdown for
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| Male Version: LeSean McCoy just scored a TD!? Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhhh!!! |
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| Female Version: LeSean McCoy just scored a TD!? Oh. My. Gawddy. Is that my fantasy pussay? Oh shet oh shet ohhh shettt it is! Fuck my fantasy pussayyyyyy!! |
If you're at the bar and there's a whole slew of bros and bras watching the game and your running back scores a TD, hide yo kids hide yo wife, it's fantasy time! You'll be certain to scream out FFFFAAAANNNNTTTTAAAASSSSYYYY louder than ever before. This way, all the bros will know that you were smart enough to pick the player than just scored and this will instantly communicate to them that you are the shit: a fucking emporer of stomping dick in the fantasy football realm. Oh and the ladies? They'll be so wet knowing that you're such a fucking fantasy football king that they will literally have to swim over to you at the bar to suck your dick because their juices will have flooded the place.
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| Neighborhood women get so turned on by Mr. Gus Stonewall's 'fantasy' screams that he has learned to protect his empire prior to game days. |
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| Although scholars have long sought concrete, photographic evidence of Antasy, it is widely believe that Antasy looks somewhat like this. |
*Special Editor's Note: I chose to rate the scale through 11 as opposed to 10 because 11 is a prime number and prime numbers are the shit. Don't believe me? Tell a girl you love prime numbers next time you're at the bar -- she'll begging you to stick it in her ass after you tell her.
Sharing the Wealth: Antasy Factor -- ! !
You're watching a game for the sole reason of seeing how your player does. If it's a kicker you religiously chant for failed third downs, if it's a receiver you pray every play is a pass, etc. You get the picture. Basically, every play that doesn't go to your player is a mild does of Antasy.
However, there's always the possibility that 'sharing the wealth' could manifest from mild antasy to painstaking Antasy. Doesn't it just chap your dick hole when you have a wide receiver and the quarterback decides to throw passes to seemingly everyone on the team except for your fucking player? Hell, even the fans in the stands have caught more passes during the game than your player. I don't care if my guy is double or triple teamed, throw him the fucking ball. I don't care that the quarterback visited Timmy from Make-A-Wish on his death bed prior to the game and Timmy's only request so that there be no passes to your receiver, throw my guy the fucking ball.
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| Don't feel bad for this kid next time you see him; he probably just fucked over your fantasy team. Antasy! |
Laundry on the Field: Antasy Factor -- ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Drew Brees steps back in the pocket, looks deep, the secondary is completely unaware of receivers running down the field because they can't stop from staring at that crazy birth mark on Drew's face and -- touchdown! Brees rips a 70 yard TD pass and you are dancing the joyous fantasy dance, but wait... There's a flag on the play. Oh no, the beast rears its ugly head yet again as the referee announces 'offensive holding'. Antasy!
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| No I'm not lying. He really does have a birth mark on his face. |
That's right, you're fantasy has been Antasized by that fat fuck offensive linemen for holding. Sure he dragged the defender down by the facemask from behind and had the lineman not made a blatant penalty against the defender, said defender would have hit Brees so hard from his blindside that his birth mark would jettison off his face and the phantom TD you were previously celebrating would have never even happened in the first place -- BUT -- that's not the point. You were teased in the cruelest of fashions. Antasy has a twisted way of smiting your hopes.
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| "Fuck yo fantasy team cracka!" |
Dying a 1,000 Fantasy Deaths: Antasy Factor -- ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
This is the most painful of all Antasy encounters -- the challenge. You're guy just hauled in a 45 yard TD pass in the back corner of the endzone while swallowed up in double coverage. He used his tribal athleticism, jumped 9 feet in the air, got his King Kong hand on ball, did some Matrix shit on the way down to realign himself in bounds, lands in a heap of concussion calamity, and still manages to hold on to the ball. You juice your pants hard. I'm talking, your load breaks through your zipper and melts the wall kind of juicing.
Your guy gets up and starts doing some incredibly nig dance in celebration while the white, middle-aged announcers talk about how it's poor sportsmanship to celebrate a TD (fuck that if I score a TD there are felonies getting committed in the endzone) and special teams is trotting out to the field for the extra point. Kicker lines up. Ball is snapped. Kick is good. Your fantasy points are secure.
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| Your player probably looks something like this while celebrating his TD in the endzone. |
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| Red. The official color of Antasy. |
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| The next time an announcer talks about these needing to be in bounds: torture his family. That will teach him a lesson for being so fucking stupid. |
Finally, the ref comes out -- "the receiver came down with full possession of the ball and had one foot in bounds, but the second foot landed out of bounds, therefore it is not a catch". On cue the retard announcer that was talking about having two feet in bounds just moments ago goes "see I told you! In the NFL you need both feet in bounds, not just one!". You, and thousands of others, simultaneously get up and begin a witch hunt for his family. You all know what needs to be done.
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| You just had to talk about having both feet in bounds again didn't you Mr. Announcer? |
So remember kids, next time your blacking out in ffffaaannntttaaasssyyy eupohoria: enjoy it. Enjoy every last second of it because lurking in the shadows is antasy -- and it's going to find you. It's going to find you and then do exactly what Kim Kardashian can't help but do to black guys -- fuck you.
Were You Paying Attention?
For the last 'Antasy Factor' I gave it 12 '!' as opposed to 11 '!', which the scale was said to operate to. Did you notice or did you just assume there were 11 '!'..?
Don't Lie
If you didn't notice the discrepancy in '!' earlier, did you just now scroll up to that section and count the '!' for yourself? Squinting at the screen and counting out each '!' just to verify for yourself how many there actually were? If you did, and I'm sure most of you did, to that I say 'mwahaha'. Man am I easily amused.
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| It's ok if you didn't notice, but she noticed. What does that say about you? |
A Few Closing Notes
That about does it for this edition of Fourth & Schlong. I hope you leave this blog with a slightly deteriorated mental capacity compared to the one you arrived with. I'd also like to remind all the readers (I'm guessing there's around 3) to vote in the poll that has been set up. It's highly scientific and your participation is requested, it can be found at the top of the web page. Also, if there's any comments/suggestions/concerns/racist rants you have, feel free to comment.
As a bonus, here are some songs to help get you fucked up this weekend. God bless all your little hearts.
Getting Shit Faced This Weekend? Hey me too! This is your Pre-Game playlist
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| "These are my jams bro." |
Sam Adams -- Comin' Up
Usher -- DJ Got Us Falling In Love
Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne, Eminem -- Forever
Far East Movement -- Like a G6
The Roots -- The Seed
Jay Sean -- 2012
Justin Bieber -- One Time
3OH!3 & Lil Jon - Hey
MGMT -- Time to Pretend
Sam Adams -- Coast to Coast
Jamie Foxx -- Blame It
Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina -- Stereo Love
Wow, this is worse than reading YouTube comments. Just kidding. I actually appreciate the new posts. Anywho, as anyone knows one of the best things about fantasy is joining 3+ leagues and having to think up incredibly bullshit scenarios that will give you enough points to help every one of them. "Need a running play from the Saints. So Brees can't get any points, as he's on my opponent in league 1. But they sure as hell better not give it to Thomas, as he's on my opponents team on team 2. So give the damn ball to Bush. Then he needs to run it down to like the 15 so theres plenty of time for Frank Gore to get some point. But Bush better not score because I got Arizona's defense in league 2. Then the defense needs to hold them to to a field goal. Which they better get 'cause got Hartley in league 8. Then on the kickoff Arizona NEEDS to fumble and give it over to the Saints. But the Saints better be forced to kick again because I need atleast two field goals from Hartley. Of course thats going to hurt my Arizona D. So the Saints need to onside again win it again and throw a pick for the points. But they better not freakign throw even one pass to Colston cause I lose league 79"
ReplyDeleteRight so let's be honest. The blond girl in the picture with Mr. Green, how many dicks has she sucked? I'm going with 3. SHe's a future Georgia cheerleader/sorostitute. She will end up banging 20+ bros by the time her career is over.
ReplyDeleteOver/Under ABortions: 2.5