O-Line Drinking Contest

After a brief 9 month hiatus, Fourth and Schlong belligerently roars back into the blogosphere armed to the teeth with ignorant slurs and enough pent up bigotry that it’d even make Glenn Beck blush.  Much like the author’s mind, this blog revival will be abstract, demented, grammatically, and politically incorrect.  I’ve got a few random thoughts for everyone before getting to the main thread of this article:  epic drinking contest.  Enjoy.

Leading Off

Football is almost back and for the first time that I’ve had pubes (almost 3 years now) I am actually looking forward to football and want it to start – I don’t need it to start.  Traditionally, August is sports purgatory as the Reds are typically 20 games out and spend the rest of the season talking about the next season.  Fuck that.  I needed football to return so I could be distracted from the misery happening on the diamond.  Now the Reds have a 7 game lead in September and the Bengals at least have hope heading into the season; if I could go back all the way to 2007 and tell my pre-pube self that in 2010 this would be the case I’m sure his response would have been ‘yippee wazooooo’.

Remember when Brandon Larson was supposed to save the franchise back in '01?  Well between '01 and '04 he hit .197 in 291 career AB's which featured 52 hits vs 86 strikeouts.  These were times I needed football.

My Alma Mater

Being a distinguished alumni of the greatest college ever, Miami University, I try to stay up to date on their current athletic progress.  Last week I saw a newspaper article about the upcoming football season and this was the headline:  “Miami Punter Showing Progress”.  That is not an exaggeration, that was the actual headline of an article previewing Miami football.  Might as well put “Miami is Fucked” for the title.

The worst part about the upcoming season for the Redhawks?  Their two hottest cheerleaders ever to attend Miami are gone:  Below is "Long Legs" and Above is "Long Leg's Friend".

*Photos Courtesy of God.

Steroids

Roger Clemens has been indicted on federal charges stemming from his Congressional Hearing a few years back regarding steroids in baseball.  Clemens you lied and now you’re fucked, I always hated you, suck a chode.  Now the more important issue:  why the fuck does the government continue to get wrapped up in sports?  Nothing says ‘doing what’s best for your country’ by probing professional athletes about steroid use while we are at war, the economy is a bust, states have zero money for school budgets, and there’s a massive immigration and healthcare overhaul in the works.  It’s fucking ridiculous; this is why there is voter apathy, because people elect an official for the betterment of their community then the official turns around and shits on his constituents by worrying about whether or not a multi-millionaire athlete used steroids.  And I used ‘his’ just now to describe the official because ‘her’ would imply a woman official which is physically impossible due to their constant birthing of litters, cleaning, nagging, and giving dome shots to anyone that demands it.

Let's first address the important issues:  investigating multi-millionaire athletes that may have used steroids.  Then we'll get to the more trivial matters such as economic policy, healthcare, war spending, and a butchered educational system.

More on Steroids

People continue to accuse baseball as being the dirty sport, yet somehow, football perpetually gets a free pass.  You cannot tell me a league that breeds 6’6’’ 290lb defensive linemen that run 4.6 forties and rep 225lb on the bench 75 times is natural.  Stop calling them ‘freak athletes’ and classify them for what they really are:  giant nigs with outrageous tribal athleticism that abuse steroids so that they can make a fortune in the NFL.  Only to lose that fortune within 5 years because they nig all the money away by, well, being nigs.

This is a photo of Osi Umenyiora, a massive D-Lineman for the giants.  I picked him as an example because he embodies everything the previous paragraph addressed.  This was the first image that came up on google image search.  Google it yourself, I'm not lying.

OK enough of the semi-serious stuff, let’s get to the good stuff…..

The Main Event:  The Idea I Can’t Get Out of My Brain

You know when you’re watching football and they show the behemoth offensive linemen on tv?  Well every time I see offensive linemen I can only think about one thing:  sweet jesus dodus, I bet those guys could slam the shit out of some beers.   

You better believe these guys could pound some brews.  Notice the one of the far right:  despite his disability he was able to overcome adversity and pick the best number ever.

So here is my idea:

·         Pay-per View event that features the starting offensive line for each NFL team.  Each team gets a designated table to drink their beers at, but no seats, all contestants must stand.

·         All the beers (nati cans) are handed to each lineman by naked sluts that look like they’ve legitimately swallowed a five gallon bucket of cum in their lifetime

 

·         Cheerleaders will be assigned to each team, but the cheerleaders must be retards dressed as football players.  The retards will wear eye black with no helmets so everyone can see their smiling tard faces.  For safety purposes the retards will be caged behind each team and monitored by armed guards so that they do not run into the crowd and infect normal humans with their disgusting disease.

No tards will be escaping under their watch.

Competition Rules:

• Whichever team drinks the most beers as a team during the two hour time-limit wins the competition.  The winning team then gets to have a shit faced orgy with all the other teams’ beer sluts.

• No puking.  Puking means instant disqualification of the team.  Puking disqualifies the whole team as opposed to just the puker so it creates that element of tension where 4 guys are ripping on 1 guy who might blow chunks and ruin their chances at an unprotected fuck session with 32 whores.

• No sitting, leaning on table, etc. All contestants must remain standing.  Contestants are allowed to lean on one another for support.  Just think of Forest Gump when Bubba leans up against Forest while they’re in Vietnam and says “now Forest you just lean up against me and I’ll lean up against you so we don’t gotta sleep with our heads in the mud”.  Now imagine two men, each weighing over 350 pounds absolutely shit faced trying to play out that scenario.  Yeah, fucking awesome.

I looked all over the damn place trying to find a picture of the 'heads in the mud' scene or even a clip of it -- couldn't find one anywhere.  So I give you a particular scene that cracks me up "Lieutenant Daaaaaaaaaaannnnnn I got ice cream!"

• Death.  If any contestant dies during competition because they raged too hard there is a bonus.  The team is not penalized and however many beers the contestant had drank until the moment of his death, that number shall be doubled and added to the team’s total.

• This event will have the following announcers
• Mel Kiper, Steven A. Smith, Colin Cowherd, Jamele Hill, Jim Rome, Jay Mariotti, and Tony Cornheiser.  All of these people will be told they are announcing the event.  Upon their arrival all of the aforementioned announcers will be thrown into woodchippers so we never have to hear from them ever again.

Please put all the aforementioned douchebags in here upon arrival.

• The real announcers will include….
• Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler from WWF Raw is War
• Jim Nantz but every time he speaks it’s in his ‘Augusta National Voice’ with the theme music in the background
• That retard announcer from Dodgegall
• Will Ferrell as the ‘sideline’ reporter but he cannot break character from being Ron Burgundy
• Erin Andrews, naked, constantly masturbating

Oh hell yes.

• Event sponsors will include:
• Army National Guard
• Arby’s (all the naked beer sluts will get an Arby’s tramp stamp)
• Hustler
• M.A.D.D.

The Best Part of the Event

The house parties.  Can you even imagine the binge drinking that this event would encourage?  Imagine all the bros worldwide that would be doing their best to out drink the teams they are watching on tv.  This event would make Super Bowl parties look like AA gatherings.  Obesity, binge drinking, whores, television, and retards would form the most glorious cornucopia of Americana ever created.

That’ll do it for this Fourth & Schlong post.  Check back in another 9 months for our next post.  Until then, get fucked up and rage hard.  Epic stories don’t just create themselves.