Which activity would you most like to see a retard do?

Monday, November 2, 2009

World Series: Adventures in Pitching

There were some adventures in pitching during the late innings of Game 4. Let's break it down.

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8th inning, Yakees lead 4-3 and Joba 'my fist pump looks so sweet' Chamberlain is brought in to face Jayson Werth, Raul Ibanez, and Pedro Feliz. Now there is something very elementary that we need to address with Joba: he is a thrower, not a pitcher. The entire time Joba is on a baseball field (and away from one too) he thinks about the same thing over and over -- how can I strike this guy out and how hard can I throw the ball in doing so? Epic pitching mistake. Your goal as a pitcher is to make your pitch that you think gives you the best shot at getting the hitter out, not to necessarily strike him out.

Into the box steps Werth. Joba gets ahead in the count with a fastball. Throws a 50 foot slider which evens the count. Throws another fastball to get ahead 1-2. 1 strike away from the coveted strikeout, Joba reaches back with total disregard to where Posada has set-up launches an up and in 96mph heater and Werth goes down swinging. 1 out.

Into the box steps Ibanez. Joba doesn't mess around he just blazes the fastball in there. With 2 strikes Joba reaches back with total disregard to where Posada has set-up launches an up and away 96mph heater and Ibanez goes down swinging.

Into the box steps Feliz. Ball one. Next pitch Joba does the Joba thing and throws a fastball right now the middle. Feliz swings through the ball and is blatantly behind on the pitch. Stop. Re-read the sentence regarding the first pitch to Feliz, this will prove very important later in the at-bat. Next pitch, another fastball another strike. We now have a 1-2 count. Joba is 1 strike away from striking out the side, he is Joba Juicing in his pants so hard he can barely stay conscious. Joba now makes a critical mistake: he starts to think. For reasons unknown he shakes off Posada to throw a slider. A slider? Really? The hitter can only pray you throw a slider and speed-up his bat because there is no chance in hell he can touch your fastball. The 1-2 pitch is a slider in the dirt. 2-2 count. OK Joba, you had your fun farting around with the slider now you can throw a fastball by him. 2-2 count and Joba shakes off Posada again and it's obvious what is going through his head -- "when they show me striking out the side on SportsCenter I don't want all my strikeouts to be fastballs, I've got to strike somebody out on a slider." The 2-2 pitch is another slider in the dirt. That brings us to a full count....

3-2 count. Nobody on. Yankees lead 4-3 in the 8th inning of Game 4 of the World Series.

Everyone in the stadium knows what is coming next: a fastball. Why do they know it’s coming next? Because Joba Chamerlain is on the mound. Sure there's the unwritten pitcher's rule that whatever pitch you make on 2-2 you should be able to make on 3-2 -- but this is Joba Chamberlain we're talking about here folks, a thrower not a pitcher. The momentum has completely shifted in this at-bat. Feliz, previously incapable of catching up to Joba's fastball, can now start to 'cheat' in his swing by gearing up early in expectation of the fastball. And Feliz can also gear up for the 3-2 pitch to not only be a fastball, but a fastball right down the dick. In the event Joba throws anything but a fastball remotely close to the plate Feliz swings, misses, and looks god-awful in doing so. However, this is not the case. Joba burns a belt-high, 4-seam fastball on a 3-2 count (if there was ever a text-book definition of a cock-shot this has got to be it). Feliz blatantly starts his swing early, anticipating a fastball. Result? Solo shot to Left Field. Tied game. Pandemonium in Philly.

Next batter up, Papa Beaner, Carlos Ruiz. Joba strikes him out in 4 pitches. The strikeout pitch? Slider. Duh.


Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

Brad Lidge on the bump. 2 outs in the 9th inning. Full count on Johnny ‘I used to be a caveman’ Damon. All the momentum is on Philly’s side right now. Damon is putting together a tremendous at-bat. He has worked the count full and continues to foul-off pitches. However, what pitches does he continue to foul-off? Fastballs. The same 91-92 mph fastball is fouled-off over and over. This is Brad Lidge we’re talking about here. His go to pitch is a slider. Every chance he gets, he throws a slider. Hell, when he plays catch with his kids all he does is drop wicked 88mph sliders on them. Yet he abandons the pitch, Damon takes the outside fastball and slaps it to left-field. Great at-bat.

Damon is now on first base with Teixeira up. He steals first pitch. The infield is positioned in the ‘pull-shift’ formation, meaning with the left-handed hitting Teixeira up, all infielders are swung around to the right side of the infield. Given this alignment, Pedro Feliz, the Phillies 3rd baseman is covering 2nd on the throw down from the catcher.

Damon successfully steals 2nd and upon getting to 2nd takes off for 3rd base. Pretty stupid huh? Steal 2nd and then purposefully run to 3rd like you’re playing MLB the Show and just want to get out and get the game over with because you don’t give a damn anymore. Well ordinarily you’d be right … except nobody is covering 3rd because Brad Lidge forgot to fucking cover third base.

This mental abomination did not sit well with the baseball gods. Yankees go on to put up 3 in the 9th and take a 3-1 advantage in the series.

The biggest stage for baseball, yet lapses in the smallest details provide the biggest stories.

-Brad

Friday, October 30, 2009

World Series Game 2 in Pictures

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well they're wrong. A picture is worth exactly 69 words; it's been that way ever since Al Gore created the internet. Enjoy.

"Oh god, this is exactly how I was the first time Swisher told me he was horny in the shower."
http://www.chron.com/sports/photogallery/2009_World_Series_Game_2.html#18959333

"My wife did what!?"
http://www.chron.com/sports/photogallery/2009_World_Series_Game_2.html#18957939

Imagine that. Another black guy stealing from a white guy...
http://www.chron.com/sports/photogallery/2009_World_Series_Game_2.html#18957965

To every 40 year old man that’s singing glory days while slamming budget beers, there is still hope.
http://www.chron.com/sports/photogallery/2009_World_Series_Game_2.html#18957975

"No, no, no! You're doing the wave all wrong!"
http://www.cbsnews.com/elements/2009/10/30/in_depth_us/photoessay5458695_1_2_photo.shtml?tag=page

"Because it's one, tw-- errr, 1.8 strikes you're out at the ol' 3/5 compromise game!"
http://www.cbsnews.com/elements/2009/10/30/in_depth_us/photoessay5458695_1_4_photo.shtml

"You were right, my lucky number was 2."
http://www.cbsnews.com/elements/2009/10/30/in_depth_us/photoessay5458695_1_10_photo.shtml?tag=page

"OK guys, if we try hard enough we can suck just as bad as SEC referees. Haha, oh who am I kidding those guys are fucking terrible."
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/10/29/umpspg-horizontal.jpg

"I thought we were doing the fist bump? Oh, this is awkward."
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/10/29/derekpg-horizontal.jpg

"Is this a must win game?"
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/gallery/2009/10/29/hairstonpg-horizontal.jpg

"Remember that slut we did this to?" -- "Hellllll yeah I do!"
http://espn.go.com/mlb/photos?photoId=258503&gameId=291029110

"How in the world did Ray Lewis show up at the World Series and still manage to get a personal foul?"
http://espn.go.com/mlb/photos?photoId=258604&gameId=291029110

"I have to tag him where!? Ewwwwwwww."
http://espn.go.com/mlb/photos?photoId=258657&gameId=291029110

"WTF man? I always got that call in Cincy!"
http://espn.go.com/mlb/photos?photoId=258672&gameId=291029110

"It's bigfoot!"
http://espn.go.com/mlb/photos?photoId=258865&gameId=291029110

As a Reds fan I can full heartily say -- God Damnit.
http://espn.go.com/mlb/photos?photoId=258423&gameId=291029110

Thursday, October 29, 2009

"Must Win" Games

::pop::

The blog cherry is now a thing of the past, here we go...


There is perhaps no more sensationalist term coined in sports history as "must win" game. At its most elementary level the phrase is preposterous; what game of any kind is ever so essential to your mortality that you "must win"? Beating cancer, that's a must win. Pulling your child from a burning car, that's a must win. Winning an athletic game of any kind that constitutes as must win, non-existent.

Literal interpretations aside, the phrase must win is more worn out than Brett Favre Brett Favre's faded pair of Wrangler's. Consider the following:
  • 'Expert' analysts today were declaring that Game 2 of the World Series was a must win for the Yankees. Now I know what you're thinking, you're saying "Oh, the World Series must have been changed to a best of 3 series and logically if the Phillies win again they would have 2 wins in the series and be World Series champions" -- well you'd be wrong. The media, despite years of excruciating mathematical analysis proving otherwise, is under the impression that if a team loses a "must win" game in a non-elimination circumstance, that team is instantaneously eliminated from the playoffs. It's crazy right? Go down 2-0 in a best of 7 series and come back to win? Insanity! Go down 2-1 in a best of 5 series and come back to win? Lunacy! Go down 3-0 in a best of 7 American League Championship Series and come back to win? Well then you must be a gawd-awwwful human from Bawstin!
  • The 09-10 (am I the only one that cringes each time I see or hear 2010 references? Psychologically I feel like my great-grandmother owns the 10's and 20's of any and all centuries) NBA season is in its infancy. The Cavs start off the season 0-2. Now what do you suppose those 'expert' analysts are talking about the next morning on tv? Shaq unable to defend a pick-and-roll? Possibly. Shaq applying to be a special deputy in Ohio? Well duh. Lebron having a triple-double? Perhaps. The Cavs next game being a must win??? You betcha! To know there are actual humans in this world that believe the 3rd game of an 82 game season is a must win makes me lose all hope in humanity. I would rather see Bono and Rosie O'Donnell procreate than have those 'experts' open theirs mouths ever again.
  • Then there's the whole NCAA football quagmire in which every -- media outlet, player, coach, pep band, slutty cheerleader, really slutty cheerleader, and really slutty cheerleader that you might as well bang a monster truck tire to get the same satisfaction -- all of them are guilty of espousing the NCAA football season as a season in which every game is a must win game! And by every game being a must win in college football they actually mean: if you're going to lose do it early in the season, if you're going to lose do it to a team that is going to win a bunch of meaningful games after they beat you but then lose to a lousy team late in the season, schedule 4 cupcake D-IV teams that you can smash 87-6, play 8 of your 12 games at home and have 2 of your 4 away games be at in-state 'neutral' sites, and finally, forget about going to class it's football season for god's sake! We can worry about fabricating your academic standing with our *cough* compliance officer later! Oh and when all is said and done, if your school isn't named Florida, Texas, USC, Ohio State, or Notre Dame then every game you play is mired in obscurity because your team will not be playing in the BCS Championship game. Your team will also not be ranked higher than #6 in any pre-season poll ever, regardless of circumstance (side note, how in the helllllll are there preseason polls? It's like looking at a bunch of girls and saying the hottest one is the best to fuck. Yet, you have no idea how any of them bang and for all you know the hottest one is a dead fish in bed, while the ugliest can work your dick better than Brett Favre Brett Favre could ever dream of working the grounds of his Mississippi oasis). So next time somebody tells you that the college game is superior to (insert sport here) because every game matters, do them a favor and tell them how to properly exit life. The world will thank you.
So to recap what we've learned today: people that use the phrase "must win" game are horrible humans. Now I've got to go. It's game 2 of the World Series with the Phillies up 1 game and they're currently up 1-0 in the 3rd...

The Yankees better shape up, it's a must win game for them.



-Brad